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Worst. Titles. Ever.

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Worst. Titles. Ever.

They say you can't judge a book by its cover. Wrong! In honor of "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium," we reveal the worst movie titles of all time

By Sean Nelson
Special to MSN Movies

Every so often, a film comes along with a title so ridiculous, so embarrassing, so indescribably dumb that the whole world stands up to take notice. Mr. and Ms. Moviegoing Public, I present "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium." Disclosure: I haven't seen this film. Confession: I am mildly intrigued by this film's premise, and the special effects it will no doubt generate, because I have a soft spot for corny movies that bring a tear to the eye. Promise: I will never, ever see this film -- not even on an airplane. Why? Because there comes a time when even the most avid film fan feels the need to take a stand against Hollywood's insulting tendency to equate creativity with marketing. Because, based on the trailer, histrionics major Dustin Hoffman really has gone too far this time (Mr. Magorium = "Rain Man" + "Tootsie"). Because I'm tired of co-star Natalie Portman playing the same part in every movie. But, really, it's simpler than that: I refuse to say the word "Magorium" aloud. It's not a word, it's not even just a goofy contrivance to rhyme with "emporium" (note: it also rhymes with "crematorium," which is a movie I might consider seeing); no, it's studio code for "people will stand for anything." Well, I won't.

Of course, "Mr. M" (as we'll now call it) is hardly the first film with a lousy title. What follows are the 10 most egregious examples of audience abuse we could think of. If you have other nominees, or disagree with ours, we'd love to hear about it.

"Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" (1999)
Here's the obvious precursor to "Mr. M," if only because of the stupid, stupid rhyme of a name that no one could ever have and a vocation almost no one could ever do. Still, it's all but impossible to imagine that any filmmaker -- even one capable of naming a character who runs an emporium, "Mr. M" -- would ever seek to emulate this howling dog of late-20th-century low comedy. However, our purpose here is not to assail the oeuvre of star Rob Schneider (here's hoping that's no one's job), but to make the case that its title is among the 10 worst of all time. So forget the stupid, stupid rhyme. Forget the stupid, stupid name no one could ever have. Just remember this: ALL GIGOLOS ARE MALE!

"Jeepers Creepers" (2001)
Has there ever been a scary movie with a less scary title than this schlocky teen killfest named after a pop hit from the 1930s? Answer: No. For proof of this title's deep badness, it helps to speak it aloud in the gravelly, superdramatic voice of the man who narrates movie trailers. This method also works for runner-up "Dreamcatcher."

"Gigli" (2003)
French for "box-office bomb." But don't be fooled by the fact that it flopped commercially; the movie really sucks. Obviously, this movie has been handed down to history as this century's "Ishtar" (a movie both underrated and in the running for our worst-title runners-up list), a great big omelet of movie star ego -- specifically the two-headed beast composed of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez -- and scripted by committee. And if there were ever a perfect title for such a misbegotten enterprise, it would have to be "Gigli," a word that sounds like "jeely" and looks like "giggly." The fact that we'd never have known how to pronounce this name if it weren't for Hollywood TV gossip hosts seems perfectly appropriate -- otherwise you'd have to actually see the movie, and no one deserves that.

"Operation Dumbo Drop" (1995)
I want you to close your eyes and picture what this movie -- about a group of U.S. soldiers who have to airlift an elephant to a Vietnamese village so the villagers will cooperate with the United States against the North Vietnamese Army -- should be like given the title. Now consider that it's nothing like that at all. "ODD," featuring Ray Liotta, Danny Glover and Denis Leary, is actually kind of gritty, not heartwarming like a magical movie about elephants and helicopters ought to be. Plus, it's called "Operation Dumbo Drop." Did I mention that part already?

"Octopussy" (1983)
OK, we all get the thing about Bond films and winking, leering, in-the-know double entendre. But the penultimate Bond film featuring Roger Moore was completely out of hand. It doesn't even qualify as double entendre. It barely qualifies as single entendre. It's just porno. And bad, stale, old-man porno at that. Porno with a bad toupee and a body double for the stunts. Double-oh-nothing.

"Free Willy" (1993)
Uh ... what can one say about a movie called "Free Willy," particularly one aimed at kids that features a theme song by Michael Jackson. If "Octopussy" is intentionally graphic with a coy wink, this title is the photo negative: a blatant double entendre screaming to be born that goes completely unacknowledged by the film itself. It's hard to know which is worse, but because this film has a magical killer whale who learns to love a young boy ... oh, never mind.

"Hope Floats" (1998)
I can't help loving Sandra Bullock, but whoever is in charge of picking titles for her Lifetime-esque/woman's issue films should be reprimanded for letting this one through the gates. First, the phrase "hope floats" is stupid. It doesn't float. It can't. It has no physical properties. It is an abstract condition, and though it can float metaphorically, it's still a stupid image to build a movie around, no matter how Lifetime-y it might be. Second, did it really occur to not one person involved in this production that there is another thing that floats, one with plenty of physical properties (none of them pleasant) and also spelled with four letters? One with which you really don't want your movie associated?

"Without Limits" (1998)
I've included this because it's a rare example of a truly excellent movie whose commercial prospects were dimmed as the result of a movie studio (presumably) giving it a terrible title. Originally entitled "Pre" (which, to be fair, is not much better as a title), the film tells the true story of late long-distance runner Steve Prefontaine, whose athletic ability stemmed from an indomitable desire to win. You can say the same of most athletes, I suppose. But Prefontaine (Billy Crudup), as dramatized and directed by legendary screenwriter Robert Towne, ran every race as hard as he could, refusing to pace himself the way distance runners must on the grounds that it was the same as cheating. The film is full of rich characterization and powerful performances; it inverts the conventions of sports films but still delivers goods when the races are run. It's a fantastic movie. And you never heard of it because somewhere along the way, someone thought it would be a good idea to give it the most generic, passive, inane title imaginable. There was a rival film with the rights to the title "Prefontaine," so not using "Pre" makes sense. But "Without Limits"? They could have just as easily called it "Without a Satellite Dish Coming Out of His Head." Sigh.

"Feeling Minnesota" (1996)
By contrast, here is a really bad Keanu Reeves-Cameron Diaz movie that gets no help from its really bad title, which in this case refers to a Soundgarden song called "Outshined." It's possible that people know this song -- it was a pretty big hit; but it's way less likely that this particular lyric (which means, roughly translated from grunge, feeling "rough") remains embedded in the consciousness. The movie is similarly forgettable, though it showed promise. The problem, or at least one of them, is that the title is almost intentionally vague. In the song, it works, because it's a throwaway (contrasted with "looking California"), but this is a film set in a curiously generic '90s Minnesota, and it fails to describe or even suggest what the hell the title phrase even means. In the end, it joins the parade of two-word-titled forgettable films that includes "Crossing Delancey," "Leaving Normal," "Making Love," "Dying Young" and others.

"Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood" (1996)
The Wayans brothers, who really haven't had a single funny idea since "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka," throw every possible joke at the wall for this parody of the inner-city gangsta drama genre (itself already something of a self-parody by then). Not one sticks, and the labored title, which strings together as many titles of these films as it can, is proof of just how imaginative the result is. Seriously, they couldn't do better than "drinking your juice"?

RUNNERS-UP

"The Postman" (1997)
I've never heard a theater full of people howl like they did after watching the trailer for this Kevin Costner stinkasaurus. Coming soon: "The Meter Reader. "

"Sssssss"(1973)
Get it? It's a movie about snakes!

"Wholly Moses!" (1980)
I don't have a problem with puns ... except stupid ones.

"Up Close & Personal" (1996)
Please choose a more generic movie title. You have five seconds.

"Chu Chu and the Philly Flash" (1981)
I actually saw this movie several times as a kid; I never understood what the title meant, even though it refers to the title characters: a former chorus girl and a former baseball star.

"Dreamcatcher" (2003)
See "Jeepers Creepers."

"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" (2002)
Ugh.

"The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" (2005)
See "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood"; see also: brainwashing young girls into equating consumerism with self-expression.

"Napoleon Dynamite" (2004)
This is fine on its own merits, but it's blatantly stolen from an Elvis Costello album cover, and no explanation is ever given

By capitan_centella on Nov 16, 2007, 20:49 in Off Topic.

kalder says on Nov 18, 2007, 01:31:

One of the best novels I ever read was J. P. Donleavy's excrutiatingly titled 'The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B.'

"kalder- have you ever had a woman?"--Sam Salmon

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Man Tequila says on Nov 18, 2007, 04:40:

Jaja, funny article. Deuce Bigalow.

I never got the Feeling Minnesota thing, though like Soundgarden.

Sssssss could easily be a movie about a cloud of poison gas. Fuchi. Fo.

The Postman was marketed unde the Italian name of Il Postino and was pretty good, doesn't deserve to be here.

Chu Chu and the Philly Flash. Worst. Movie. Since. Plan. Nine.

Aunque no me creas/ si me lo propongo/ lograre olvidarte/ porque a fin de cuentas/ no soy tan cobarde./ Y termino todo una de estas tardes/ no sera dificil buscar algún sitio donde refugiarme/ donde nunca mas vuelvas a encontrarme. (Polo Montañez)

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podborski says on Nov 18, 2007, 07:36:

The worst titles are usually sequels, they have to add some sort of catch phrase to the original, and that's usually a sure sign of a really bad movie IMHO.

For some reason I recall an IMAX movie that was called: Tyrannasaurus Rex: Back to the Cretacious

" Back to the cretacious"? WTF? Which scientist named that movie? Tyrannasaurus would have been just fine on it's own.

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capitan_centella says on Nov 18, 2007, 21:41:

"The Postman was marketed unde the Italian name of Il Postino and was pretty good, doesn't deserve to be here"

This was the name of the movie from KEVIN COSTNER. . . not the italian one. The italian, was about a little part of Pablo Nerudas life.

;-)

"When you open your eyes, you turn around with the world, But it can change, if you only close it, and see a dream to yourself." Me.

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Man Tequila says on Nov 18, 2007, 22:16:

Guess that's why I just saw Il Postino. ;)

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christobeldawg says on Nov 18, 2007, 22:51:

don't forget Waterworld, an overproduced overpriced Kostner wreck of a film, with a bad name to boot.

admittedly, arriving can feel great too

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capitan_centella says on Nov 19, 2007, 08:52:

YEAP CRISTO, baaaaaaaaaadddddddddddddddddd movie!.

"When you open your eyes, you turn around with the world, But it can change, if you only close it, and see a dream to yourself." Me.

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houstongal says on Nov 19, 2007, 15:52:

Capitan....you actually saw Waterworld? Why would anyone see a baaaaaaddddd movie when it was panned when released? I stayed away from that one like the plague!

Culture is language and language is culture - Dr. Annamaria Napolitano

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Tinto (Moderator) says on Nov 19, 2007, 16:18:

I can't stand "Waterworld" even when it's playing for free on one of those endless loops on television.

But "Ishtar" - now THAT was one bad movie. I went to see it with my brother and we left the theater within 15 minutes. The only others to win that dubious distinction were "White Nights" and "Out of Africa" about a hundred years ago. I agreed to watch those chick flicks thinking they were a minor price to pay for the chance to get lucky later in the evening. Wrong on both accounts. Haha.

With age, comes wisdom. Now I read at least one review in advance.

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Colombiche says on Nov 19, 2007, 16:39:

How about "Driving Mrs Daisy"?

No me den trago extranjero, que es caro y no sabe a bueno.... (Rafael Godoy)

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podborski says on Nov 19, 2007, 17:05:

How about " Talk to Her" Almodovar i think. Ugghh.

The problem with dating brainy women is that they like to go to weird european movies where it takes someone 15 minutes to light a cigarette.

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Man Tequila says on Nov 19, 2007, 17:09:

I like weird European movies. My idea of a bad movie is something I have seen before, a formulaic movie. I even like movies that are very badly done, since movies like "Plan Nine from Outer Space" and "The People Under the Stairs" have intrinsic comic value.

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podborski says on Nov 19, 2007, 17:14:

I get the 'it's so bad it's good' idea, but it doesn't work for me.

And I guess I am just thick, or too damned impatient to get these weird euro 'films'.

But I actually enjoyed the English Patient, and some of my favourite movies are subtitled. So I'm not a total Arnold/Bruce Willis fan.

(Which reminds me, I really liked the movie with Bruce and Billy Bob thornton as crooks, Bandits I think? That's all I need, a few laughs.)

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Man Tequila says on Nov 19, 2007, 17:56:

Most bad movies are bad. Very few bad movies are so bad they are good. A few are though.

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Man Tequila says on Nov 19, 2007, 17:57:

Many Euro films are bad too. I can't stand guys like Peter Greenaway. I hate pretentiousness for its own sake.

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capitan_centella says on Nov 19, 2007, 21:49:

houston gal, in colombia have this "kinda" strange custom. In our national tv (the one you see just becouse you turn on the tv) we have the "película del domingo" it´s usually a movie around 7:00 pm and 9:00 pm, full of advertising, usually cut as hell and bad as a headache.

I "saw" waterworld one sunday in my little town, one sunday that the rain overflow the river so I have no choice to see it or go to sleep at 7:00 pm.

Yeap, guilty. Shame on me.

"When you open your eyes, you turn around with the world, But it can change, if you only close it, and see a dream to yourself." Me.

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christobeldawg says on Nov 19, 2007, 21:55:

that one may fall into the la camp thinking of ManT, as in it was so bad it was good.

admittedly, arriving can feel great too

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Man Tequila says on Nov 19, 2007, 22:55:

Most so bad things are so bad. It's pretty rare for very bad things to be good -- a handful of movies and songs and Japanese T-shirts printed in English...

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gringolondinense says on Nov 20, 2007, 01:07:

Mary Poppins....I mean even as a kid the name would make me thing "BORING!!"

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dwmte7 says on Nov 20, 2007, 04:27:

movies like godzilla (and it's ilk), it came from outer space and eraser head...all really bad, but most have become 'camp' ikons. i couldn't sit through them the first time.

dwmte

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dwmte7 says on Nov 20, 2007, 04:29:

oh! and the maze...in 3-D that was in the early 50's when i didn't know the difference between good and bad. just a movie

dwmte

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houstongal says on Nov 20, 2007, 07:16:

So Capitan, did you end up falling asleep by 7:30 while watching Waterworld? ;-)

Culture is language and language is culture - Dr. Annamaria Napolitano

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Colombiche says on Nov 20, 2007, 08:27:

I think the stupidest movie I ever watched was Kung Pao, the one where the cow was karate fighting and shooting milk at the guy, did anybody here watch that or am I the only one that shot hour and a half of my life to hell?

No me den trago extranjero, que es caro y no sabe a bueno.... (Rafael Godoy)

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Man Tequila says on Nov 20, 2007, 09:13:

Not too many good movies named after Chinese food. "With Six You Get Egg Roll", "Chop Suey" and "Shangai Surprise" were not exactly classics. I think Kung Pao was supposed to be a parody, but most parodies suck too.

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Colombiche says on Nov 20, 2007, 10:40:

Yes, but did you watch Kun Pao, can you understand the depth of my pain?

No me den trago extranjero, que es caro y no sabe a bueno.... (Rafael Godoy)

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Man Tequila says on Nov 20, 2007, 11:33:

I did not watch the full ninety minutes of Kung Pao. I saw maybe half of it on TV then switched the channel. I understand the depth of your pain but not its length or volume.

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Man Tequila says on Nov 20, 2007, 11:35:

My friends rented Scary Movie 2 and Scary Movie 3. They loved it. I nearly fell asleep, I could have written much better. How do the Wayans Brothers get work, anyway?

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houstongal says on Nov 20, 2007, 11:38:

There's actually a movie titled Kung Pao?! I guess I must've missed that one (and it sounds like with good cause)!

Culture is language and language is culture - Dr. Annamaria Napolitano

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Tinto (Moderator) says on Nov 20, 2007, 12:01:

That could be a new topic...

Kung Pao
The Scent of Green Papaya
Tortilla Soup
Bok Choy

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houstongal says on Nov 20, 2007, 13:17:

lol....anyone hungry yet?

Culture is language and language is culture - Dr. Annamaria Napolitano

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kalder says on Nov 20, 2007, 13:31:

I fell asleep watching 'The Exorcist'.

"kalder- have you ever had a woman?"--Sam Salmon

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kalder says on Nov 20, 2007, 13:32:

Nerves of steel, me.

"kalder- have you ever had a woman?"--Sam Salmon

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Colombiche says on Nov 20, 2007, 14:55:

I really can't leave this thread without you guys understanding how stupid Kung Pao was.

Here is a clip from the best fight in the movie, the most unforgettable part is -0:33 minutes into the clip.

No me den trago extranjero, que es caro y no sabe a bueno.... (Rafael Godoy)

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Dan says on Nov 20, 2007, 15:00:

I never saw Kung pao.. after seeing that video, I can see I didn't miss anything.

God Bless America!

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Man Tequila says on Nov 20, 2007, 15:06:

The cow scene was actually the highlight of the movie, stupid enough that it made me waste a few minutes more watching that POS on TV...

I only like witty parodies. Satire is tough to do well, and great when it is done well. It has never been done better than the series "Yes, Prime Minister". Weird Al Yankovich is a few rungs lower, "Epic Movie" much lower still. Which reminds me that "Snakes on a Plane" should really be on the list too.

I like movies that are really unique -- things like Amelie, Red (and the other Trois Couleurs), Freaks (1932), The Unbearable Lightess of Being or Delicatessen. Solid 3-star movies. It is understood not everyone might like them, but no one will ever make those same movies.

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dwmte7 says on Nov 20, 2007, 15:53:

there's always peter sellers' classic, the party. nuff said.

dwmte

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Man Tequila says on Nov 20, 2007, 15:57:

The Party was a good movie. Birdie Num Num! Pink Panther and Dr. Strangelove have there place too, I guess.

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dwmte7 says on Nov 20, 2007, 16:16:

wasn't that the greatest scene when he ties his shoe on the dynamite plunger and blows the whole fricken city up? yeah, dr. strangelove is/was great.

dwmte

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podborski says on Nov 20, 2007, 17:46:

have you seen the Triplets of Belleville man t? I thought it was great, love good animated stuff.

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Man Tequila says on Nov 20, 2007, 17:50:

Yeah, I thought Les Triplets de Belleville was superb.

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dwmte7 says on Nov 20, 2007, 19:11:

pod...do you like claymation? there's something called the international claymation festival (i think) and it's unreal. all the winners were gringos. seems we're deep into the art form.

dwmte

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christobeldawg says on Nov 20, 2007, 22:57:

I liked these tongue in cheek parodies:

Spinal Tap
Best in Show
Waiting for Guffman
A Mighty Wind
The Princess Bride

They were smartass funny but even seemed to have a certain poignancy about them

admittedly, arriving can feel great too

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Man Tequila says on Nov 21, 2007, 00:01:

Spinal Tap and Princess Bride were very good, I thought.

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podborski says on Nov 21, 2007, 05:11:

love claymation dwmte...there are quite a few good Canadian animators, but my favourite of course is Nick Park (british I think), Wallace and Grommit. Not so much the movies, but the first 3 short pieces he did are absolutely brilliant. I almost want to have kids just to show them wallace and grommit's " the wrong trousers".

If you have never seen them, highly recommended. I think the first one took him 8 years to make...I often wonder how many times he must have stopped while moving his little plasticine dog around for the 10,000 time and wondered, ' what the hell am I doing with my life? Will anybody watch this?"

I admire that kind of tenacity/dedication.

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Man Tequila says on Nov 21, 2007, 06:43:

The Wrong Trousers is surely one of the best shorts ever made. The others are good too, but simply did not have the attention to detail -- the Penguin dude makes me laugh everytime. Grand Day Out and A Close Shave are good too.

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podborski says on Nov 21, 2007, 08:36:

I love the attention to detail in W G, and the subtle jokes, like the headlines in the newspaper that the dog is reading.

I heard once that old time Bugs Bunny animators used to stick in a few adult jokes for the parents that were watching with their kids. They called them 'plums for mums'.

Unfortunately subtlety is lost on most american film makers, the Simpson's used to be very good, now I can't even watch it.

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Man Tequila says on Nov 21, 2007, 10:46:

"They're techno trousers. Ex-NASA. Fantastic for walkies."

Americans do not do subtlety.

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