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The largest percentage of adult men? Married men. And until now they've had no voice, contends Rhode Island psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, M.D.
It could be argued that men don't need another voice; their voice in the culture is loud enough for most women. But Haltzman argues that married men are different and need a voice because they are at a distinct disadvantage in relationships, verbally and emotionally.
The average woman uses 7,000 words a day and five tones of speech, he points out. The average man uses 2,000 words and three tones. "Men are talk-impaired, relatively speaking," he says.
Men are also impaired at experiencing emotion. They need help figuring out what to do. Some things are not intuitive. Talking about feelings, for example, increases men's stress levels.
Sometimes marriage is flawless. But most often it is not. Men who stay married have somehow learned techniques to preserve their relationships. He notes that "most men have learned these techniques on their own and don't do it in obvious ways."
Haltzman contends that marriage is as much a health issue as a quality of life issue issue. Married men make more money, have more peace of mind, and have more and better sex. Marriage also lowers men's health risk, while divorce raises the risk of death by 200 percent for men.
So Haltzman is busy researching ways to help understand the relationship patterns of husbands and wives. He has set up an internet community for married men to share their experiences and wisdom about marriage. It's called www.SecretsofMarriedMen.com. And it's terrific.
Here are tidbits of his own wisdom:
* Working on a relationship is a man's job as much as a woman's. Often it is the man's behavior that predicts whether a couple stays together. Men need to accept the influence of their wives.
* Once men decide to marry, they are more committed to the relationship than women are.
* Guys look at relationships differently from women, but the most commonly discussed ways of fixing relationships are geared to feminine styles.
* "Men really do feel incredible passion for their wives, but they don't recognize it sometimes."
* "Most affairs don't happen by chance meetings. Infidelity occurs in up to 40 percent of marriages. By age 45, two out of every five men and one out of every five women has had at least one affair."
* "For an overwhelming majority of spouses who cheat—80 percent—the reason is not sexual. Most simply seek validation, warmth, understanding or love."
* "In general, extramarital sex is not as good as marital sex. On average, married couples have more sex than any other group. The bottom line is affairs can be prevented. It's all in the choices you make."
And here's his single wisest piece of advice: "Marriages improve when a spouse learns to shift away from his or her own personal desires and listen to the needs of the husband or wife."
By Brian858 on Jul 9, 2008, 02:38 in Off Topic.
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CatGirl says on Jul 9, 2008, 19:36: Good post Brian 858, I think a big peice is attempting to not take the the other person for granted...keeps the excitement level up. Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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MaFe says on Jul 9, 2008, 19:40: Good article...Huskie I agree with you! "All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. "-Aristotle 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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christobeldawg says on Jul 10, 2008, 22:54: hmmm traveling hopefully is always better than arriving 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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CatGirl says on Jul 11, 2008, 08:14: Geez Morph. Can I share something with ya..it may not be isolated to men? jaja. When I was doing my OB/GYN rotation and assisted in my first birth (with another fellow student) - both of us gals left the room holding our stomachs and looked at each other and said "oh MY God!". After that day I can only tell you I think that in areas where there are high populations of teen pregnancy - they should bring the gals in the deliver room, guaranteed this will decrease those that take it too lightly. Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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CatGirl says on Jul 11, 2008, 08:16: Oh - and Morph....sorry to hear that BTW. Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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CatGirl says on Jul 11, 2008, 08:34: jaja, Morphus - maybe I don't have this issue. I do have a gf that did once, but she left her hubby for another woman. Maybe again its simply from me being in the medical field, jaja. I have seen it all and smelled it all - LOL. But you are correct, it does happen and is a fact of life. But the attracttion part? hmmm. Nope never lost physical attraction because of normally expected functions - but I have lost attraction to someone because I have lost respect for them or because they have treated me disrespecfully. Maybe I look a bit deeper, dunno Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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kalder says on Jul 11, 2008, 10:19: For a bachelor, Morphus has an uncanny level of insight into the Married State. "A piece of cheese may entrap a mouse, but a bicycle could ensnare the Imperial Chancellor."~~An Bai Kuang 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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kat1 (Moderator) (Trustee board) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Jul 11, 2008, 12:25: lol kalder, funny no?
0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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CatGirl says on Jul 11, 2008, 20:55: Morph "Men have the best sex with women that they do not respect. Plus, when men cheat on their wives, its mostly for entertainment purposes. They still love their wives." Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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christobeldawg says on Jul 11, 2008, 22:19: some guys are perfectly happy having sex only with their wives, if they love and respect her. They obviously do think of other women, but they keep that under control in their actual actions. traveling hopefully is always better than arriving 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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mimimimimi says on Jul 12, 2008, 02:48: I rule my marriage with my little iron fist hahaha ...
0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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webmanco says on Jul 12, 2008, 06:11: mi a la 6, I thought you left with Rubito :-) No hay extremo cierto o verdadero, porque los extremos opacan, enruedan, (lavan cerebros) verdades. Yotas 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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Plato says on Jul 12, 2008, 09:25: Here’s my take on the article: The hottest places in hell are reserved for those [liberals] who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.--Dante Alighieri, (1265-1321) 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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dwmte7 says on Jul 12, 2008, 11:36: i couldn't go through a list of issues 1 thru 10 and say why men and/or women do/did this or that. but, i can say why i did these things. and i confess to you, it is not with pride. i was young, horney, successful, good looking and had all the toys. i was so fricken unfaithful that i had a bed built in above my desk in my office on this small balcony there. any gal that worked in any of my stores knew that a long work history pretty much depended on how well she fucked me. aint that horrible. what was it about? not good sex with my wife? rubbish. i had great intimacy with my wife. i was just a horndog...a fricken nymphomaniac--(does that word apply to men as well?) any way, i wanted to get laid several times a day every day of the week. patriarch 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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CatGirl says on Jul 12, 2008, 11:50: Douglas "a fricken nymphomaniac" - sure there lots of men like this...I was engaged to one, but he never had a wondering (snake) eye, we were quite busy as you can imagine jeje. Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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MaFe says on Jul 12, 2008, 13:16: CatGirl says on Jul 12 (today): flag "All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. "-Aristotle 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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dwmte7 says on Jul 12, 2008, 16:27: kitty...this was back in the late 60's and early 70's when i was still hard and dumb. patriarch 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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CatGirl says on Jul 12, 2008, 16:36: Douglas - no problem...no judgements. I completely understand ;). You must have been one ambitious high energy guy to keep up with yourself jeje Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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dwmte7 says on Jul 12, 2008, 17:00: without banging a drum or hangin out on confession, i just had very successful businesses, found myself travelling all over the world, was good looking, hip, lived at the edge and never wanted to stop. i wasn't even doing drugs...except for smokin pot. and not a whole lot of that. i guess testosterone had me by the short and curleys and only wanted a place to express. it was wild....nobody kept up with me. even now, i can't stop, although life doesn't contain compromises, i have to admit, nobody keeps up with me. i guess i was born under a cavallier star and just wasn't satisfied with the drivel that turned on the commen stream of life, i had to live at the cutting edge. i still do in many ways...however now, a whole bunch is in my petuitary...mental....another world that common folks have no clue about, a place out sied of the siderial. there, i can travel far, yet not move. see everything but not open my eyes, know without thinking....i just wish i knew of this before i abused myself so. patriarch 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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CatGirl says on Jul 12, 2008, 17:52: jajaja...this one is good... I hope it works Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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CatGirl says on Jul 12, 2008, 17:52: Nope ...let me try somthing else Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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CatGirl says on Jul 12, 2008, 18:02: I stumbled upon it on my search to find the meaning behind the black turbon, jeje. I really do need to know what it means BTW..no joke..but I was invisible when I asked the question on the board. Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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dwmte7 says on Jul 12, 2008, 18:25: kitty....wht the f was all that about. i was stumbling off to bed--several vodkas later, and i decided to check in and check out...and thr black turban.../?? wt=f i can't even type, i'm crashing fast..............goneeeeeeeeeee patriarch 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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Plato says on Jul 12, 2008, 19:27: O.k . . . that video cost me 8 minutes and 49 seconds of my life that I will never get back again. The hottest places in hell are reserved for those [liberals] who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.--Dante Alighieri, (1265-1321) 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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dwmte7 says on Jul 13, 2008, 06:29: i dunno plato...maybe they got a money back guarantee. i tried to watch/figure it out when i was a few sheets to the wind....nothing...still nothing and i'm back on the right side of awake now. patriarch 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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CatGirl says on Jul 13, 2008, 10:47: Hey guys...sorry I forgot to mention it was obviously a homemade movie - but kind of funny I thought. Again, I stumbled accidently on it and found it quite curious the name is Desi and it is also conected to Canada. There was some man in a Mercedes SUV trying to get my attention (in a big way) - in his late 30's and I never had something like this happen before, espcially someone with a turbon! I was only curious what culture he came from - he is more than likely Indian. Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent 0 funny, 0 helpful. |
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