How to be Pretentious

1. Every item you own must not be referred to by its actual name, but by it’s brand. For instance, you don’t drive a car; you drive a BMW. You don’t wear shoes, you wear Gucci’s, you are not carrying a handbag, you’re carrying a Prada. Pretentious people always call things by their brand unless of course it is a cheap and utterly embarrassing brand.

2. Whenever you need to look at your watch – I mean Rolex – to see the time, you must do the “I’m wearing an expensive tailored suit and must flick my arm out to reveal my glistening, expensive watch‿ arm movement thing. Truly pretentious people will do the arm throw thingy even when not wearing a suit.

3. Use and sometimes invent big words in unnecessitated circumstances, especially if it ends up making absolutely no sense. In order to maximise the aural impact of the communicative spoken word, an intricate lexicon must be implemented. The principal objective of this is to confuse the listener into thinking you are some sort of genius who has quite a grasp on the English languge.

4. Speaking of language – pretentious people are not satisfied with knowing just one language – no, they need to know at least four others. Knowing foreign languages will make you seem travelled and cultured. The more languages you know, the more humanitarian you seem.

5. Hang out at trendy coffeehouses and read the culture and arts sections of newspapers. Make sure that you are decked out head to toe in expensive clothing, because $800 suits, $300 shoes and a $100 hat make the coffee experience complete.

6. Don’t buy brand names - buy people. Louis Vuitton, Hugo Boss, Guy Laroche, Este Lauder – all these people epitomise pretentiousness – so wear, apply and carry them.

7. Always attend premieres. It doesn’t matter what exactly it is – as long as you are at the premiere.

8. Pretend you know the difference between a cheap wine and an expensive wine. Read lots and lots of wine labels in order to familiarise yourself with peach wisps, grassy notes and oak resonance.

9. Lastly, brag until your jaw hurts. How are people supposed to know that you are friends with Jean-Pierre, the world famous foot masseuse?, or that you spend $265 on a haircut?, or that your designer Yorkiepoo dog is parented by show-winning purebreds? You must tell everyone over and over and over again.

By morphus on Mar 26, 2008, 05:39 in Off Topic.

morphus says on Mar 26, 2008, 05:40:

LOL...This might help the NMGs

tejasmarcos says on Mar 26, 2008, 07:25:

too funny! morphus, did you write that yourself?

my glass is getting shorter on whiskey, ice and water...

morphus says on Mar 26, 2008, 07:33:

Nope! A guy from Australia named ChrisB

Man Tequila says on Mar 26, 2008, 10:17:

I know a few people like this, they are not well liked.

Aunque no me creas/ si me lo propongo/ lograre olvidarte/ porque a fin de cuentas/ no soy tan cobarde./ Y termino todo una de estas tardes/ no sera dificil buscar algún sitio donde refugiarme/ donde nunca mas vuelvas a encontrarme. (Polo Montañez)

morphus says on Mar 26, 2008, 10:55:

My older brother is like this. A real snobby bastard! He's having his 40th birthday party next month at a elegant restaurant in Manhattan. I'm going to show up drunk in a leather suit to embarrass him :)

El Polo says on Mar 26, 2008, 10:56:

LMAO!!!

RAAAY says on Mar 26, 2008, 11:23:

Morphus............I'm sure you would embarass him just fine, if you showed up sober and in regular clothes............

.

.........Its useless to argue with ignorance

morphus says on Mar 26, 2008, 11:34:

RAAAY, if you come with me it would help a lot :)

MaFe says on Mar 27, 2008, 11:34:

I know people like this too...used to tick me off...now I just laugh at them...je je je

"All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. "-Aristotle

miamimike says on Mar 27, 2008, 22:39:

2. Whenever you need to look at your watch – I mean Rolex – to see the time, you must do the “I’m wearing an expensive tailored suit and must flick my arm out to reveal my glistening, expensive watch‿ arm movement thing. Truly pretentious people will do the arm throw thingy even when not wearing a suit.
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Doing this Rolex Demonstration exercise of conspicous consumption isn't conducive to your Longevity here in Miami. In the last couple years, 3 prominent Miamians who resided in the Toney south miami barrio of Coral Gables were followed home into their driveways and murdered, in broad daylight. The common denominator in all deaths, the Cops determined, was that they had and displayed their fancy Rollex timepieces in front of the wrong people,,, The last one popped was a well known Cuban American Surgeon from the Palmetto General Hospital, shot in his driveway for his Rolex Mariner,,,He "flicked" it in front of a couple low class Cuban Marielitos who wanted it worse then he did,,,Dumb move here in Miami

"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that." -- Feb. 28, 2008 --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C.,

miamimike says on Mar 27, 2008, 22:50:

8. Pretend you know the difference between a cheap wine and an expensive wine. Read lots and lots of wine labels in order to familiarise yourself with peach wisps, grassy notes and oak resonance.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I like Number 8! It brings to mind Leo Wernli, the now deceased owner of the Old Centro Intercontinental Matrimony Agency in Bogota. Prior to one of his many Infamous "Wine&Cheese'" Parties he held in his office after hours at the agency(located by the old US Embassy) Leo would head down to the nearest market and buy 1/2 dozen boxes of cheap chilean Wine that cost a Dollar or two. He then transferred them unseen into Top Shelf Wine Bottles he kept for the Occassion and served it to the Guests, all who attested to its Superior quality. Like Leo said, and he was a smart old guy, after the 1st couple glasses, no one could tell the difference. Leo's $2 Wine was a always a hit and a show winner,,,LOL,,,So much for the experts

They did a blind taste test on Good Morning America on Coffee Brands 6 months back or so and McDonald's came out on the top beating out Seattle and Starbucks. Same for that bottled water, nothing but refiltered City Tap Water in most cases. It always amazes me why some people in the US spring for a bottle costing $1-$2 when they could refrigerate their Kitchen Tap Water . I do that with my Brita Water pitcher, now my water is worth $4 for 2 liters,,,LOL,,Like Carny Huckster PT Barnum once crowed, "There's a Sucker Born every Minute" LOL

"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that." -- Feb. 28, 2008 --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C.,