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The end of a relationship...or..

The start of another, or something irrevocably lost forever, possibly a new begining or maybe a sad ending. Perhaps I got what I deserved.

The short version.

Well, It was simple at first. My wife and I just did not seem to see eye to eye on many things. We had a great time and laughed a lot together. The problem, she just could not accept my children and to a lesser extent my grandchildren. She was insanely jealous of me and had a problem with anyone who talked with me. Our marriage effectively ended the day she blew her top when I was talking with my daughter on the phone.

It, for me, was the final straw, I told her that our marriage of fifteen years was at an end. From that day we had no normal contact with each other. Eventually I moved out of the family home and rented a place a few miles away.

We were so much in love shortly after we met in 1988-89 it was a full all consuming passionate and genuine love. After only a few months I knew that she had a problem with any other female who had any connection with me at all, yes, it included my children.

After the breakup I met my lovely Colombian lady and we became enamoured of each other. (I have already posted the story of out meeting)

I wet to Bogota and then after a time moved in with her, I knew her (in the biblical sense) we were happy. She came to live with me in England and we had a good time, that is if we ignore the Latino female emotionally explosive temperament. I was very sad when her (six month) visit ended and she returned to Colombia.

Eventually my previous wife put the house up for sale and it went quickly. There was a hundred things to do as I am sure many of you will know. She called me and asked me if I would go and help her clear the attic and help her with the removal of some electrical wiring and to remove some of my things from the house.

She was in the garden when I arrived at the house and it was the first time I had seen her for over two years. She looked exactly the same as she always had, lovely.

She made me a coffee and I got down to work immediately. Clearing all the junk from the attic we stumbled on things that brought back so many memories, the two man tent that we used in Scotland on frequent holidays. There was the ‘cool box' that we used on the south coast fishing trips, here were a million memories there in that attic.

We spoke of the time when we were waiting to move into the house, we used to find excuses to walk past it so many times before the great day came, the funny things that happened with the appliances which I had wired up, the lamps and the great mirror in our bedroom. It was a very sad day for us both. It was made so much more sad when we took so much of our things to the council tip.

We had talked a lot, we realised that we had both made so many mistakes in our time together and it was only now that we could see those mistakes. Now it was too late, there was to be no going back from our present path.

We both accepted today, that we had always loved each other and had never lost that love, I will always love her. and as the song says:

‘ the loving was easy, it's the living that's hard,
there's no need to try to say what might have been
it's over , nobody wins'.

I finished the days dumping, shifting and moving at about 5:30 this afternoon. She came to the car with me and we held hands for a time without saying anything, there were tears in our eyes as we giggled nervously to hide our embarrassment. We hugged and then kissed each other before I got into my car and left. That was in all truth, one of the worst moments of my life.

I have not had a drink yet but I will before this evening is over, as I write this the tears are falling on my desk an, I have grown tired of clearing my eyes, I despised don negro once for admitting that he had cried, now I knoe how he felt. I will let the tears fall, what's the point. I have the feeling that Isabel may be doing the same, we have made our bed, it is we who have to lay in it, metaphorically.

If only I had continued telling myself that I hated her, if only I had not gone to help out, if I had told her to clear the place herself to get one of her friends to help.

Have I learned anything from this? I hope so. I will have to forget her, I will have to concentrate my mind on my Colombian lady whom I know I love, from this I hope that I will have gained a great deal, I have to accept more than I have in the past, I have to accept that there are problems in life and there is a perfect way of dealing with them. The trick is to keep trying until I find the perfect answer.

Is it possible to love two people at the same time? I don't know, I am confused right now. Now for the first time I have a knowledge of what other divorcees have gone through. At least one of them has probably gone through hell, possibly both.

Pride, stupidity, self imposed hatred, who knows?

Now I am going to get well and truly pissed.

Love. James.

By ARMacleod on Apr 23, 2005, 12:06 in Friendly Talkzone.

ARMacleod says on Apr 23, 2005, 12:13:

How did you deal with the situation
?..............?

The brain is like a parachute, it only functions correctly when it is open. Pax vobiscum.

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viewpoint says on Apr 23, 2005, 12:28:

JamesVH - YES & NO !!! QUOTE:

"Have I learned anything from this? I hope so. I will have to forget her, I will have to concentrate my mind on my Colombian lady whom I know I love, from this I hope that I will have gained a great deal, I have to accept more than I have in the past, I have to accept that there are problems in life and there is a perfect way of dealing with them. The trick is to keep trying until I find the perfect answer"

Yes, "the trick is to keep trying at everything in life" but the truth is "there is no perfect answer to anything in life" !!!!

The day we quit learning these lessons of life is when they are shoveling dirt over our head after we have given our last breath. Sadly, knowledge and values comes for most of us too late in our life to wisely employ except in our later years. I know that's been the case in my life as I look back especially in my relationships with women as the first woman was not worse than the last only she had a different name and qualities but other than that they were all the same.

In your post you sound like you found this long ago or your relationship would not have lasted as long as it did and yes, a few tears dropped on my desk as I read your post thinking not only of the events of your day but casting back in time remembering simular situations in my life.

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ARMacleod says on Apr 23, 2005, 12:36:

viewpoint. Yes. you are quite correct, but when real love blinds your eyes...?

pax vobiscum

The brain is like a parachute, it only functions correctly when it is open. Pax vobiscum.

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Crazy4Cali says on Apr 23, 2005, 12:42:

Been there, too. I've been cleaning my own attic, metaphorically speaking.

As I'm currently between jobs, one of the things on my "list of things to do while I'm unemployed" is to go through my mountain of home videos and compile them into something watchable for my future generations.

It started out very logically, however it quickly sunk to an emotional depth that I didn't expect. As the videos span over 20 years and several relationships-gone-by, I found myself talking to that person in the video who looks a lot like me and trying to get them to see where he (I) was headed... As in any horror movie, I could only watch helplessly as the tragedy was unfolding.

However, after watching these events over and over (while editing the film) I finally came to peace with that idiot in the video who was about to experience, or was in the middle of experiencing a relationship failure. What I was watching was someone very stubborn learning things the only way they knew how--the hard way. Like watching your children fall as they are learning to walk, it isn't easy but you hope they learn from these experiences and grow-up to be better for them.

That's where I am now (I hope). Those were the experiences that, for better and for worse, make me who I am now, and have (finally) taught me what to appreciate in life as well as what not to tolerate.

While you're indulging in a well-deserved pint or two, just be sure to remember the good times with the bad and look forward to tomorrow as you still have the power to change that for the better.

Cheers!

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ARMacleod says on Apr 23, 2005, 13:32:

Crazy4Cali, thank you. Anything, positive or negative is a comfort in a manner of speaking. I think that I am subconsciously saying is than I need someone to give me a verbal (or physical ) kick up the arse.

I am feeling rather sorry for myself right now which is a selfish feeling to say the least. It is how I have upset others that I should be thinking of, not myself, my children for example, and of course my ex-wife.

The old Stella Artois is beginning to kick in now so I will be OK in a matter of minutes. Until tomorrow at least.

James. (a vinculo matrimonii)

Pax vobiscum.

The brain is like a parachute, it only functions correctly when it is open. Pax vobiscum.

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Desideria (Moderator) (Trustee board) says on Apr 23, 2005, 13:51:

I won't be giving you any kind of verbal kick in the arse; I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way about more than one person. I was just thinking about all the unkind words you've said about your ex here on this forum and yet there are unresolved issues of love and caring there too...how come I'm not surprised at all!

It's always easier to be in love with somebody who is not physically removed from your everyday reality; there's a song that says about love being like the wind, making small fires extinguish but turning larger fires even larger.

It's totally possible to love more than one person at the same time; there are so many different shades and nuances of love that they'll be enough for a lot of people if you are so inclined. There are people called "condominium hearts" with a separate room or apartment for all their loves. I suspect that you're not one of those, however, but your heart is more like a chaotic jungle of emotions.

It's time for you to make decision; you're not going to live forever and are not getting any younger. It's spring and time for spring cleaning. But be aware that sometimes things that you throw away in the trash bin from the cluttered corners of your life can be sorely missed afterwards. Select wisely, my friend!

Cheers,
Desi

"When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?"(First Witch in Macbeth)

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Patrick says on Apr 23, 2005, 14:48:

Time will heal....... James,
I went through the same thing 10 years ago. In my case I was working in the Caribbean, my wife and daughters decided they did not care for the island life and one day while I was at work they boarded a plain, calling me from the airport 10 minutes before they left. My family was my whole life, needless to say, I was devastated. I won’t bore you with all the details but I did not see my children for 2 years and that still hurts, when I think about it. My point is you will get over the terrible hurt, the love takes longer. I still care for my ex-wife very much and of course my daughters. They are grown and have families of their own now and have both told me how much they regret what they did. I remarried 4 years ago, my Mariela has become the light of my life and we love each other very much. Time will heal, look forward to your new life and your new adventure.

All the best,

Patrick

Don't blame me I voted for Ron Paul!

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kat1 (Moderator) (Trustee board) says on Apr 23, 2005, 14:52:

King James To forget 15 years of married just like that is not easy. Time will heal thought. by the time you read this you will be well p***

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utopiacowboy says on Apr 23, 2005, 14:59:

I was married for 25 years to my first wife and we have four children together. The last years of our marriage were very rough but I will always care about her (even though she drives me crazy!). Sometimes you can love someone but it doesn't mean that you can share a life together without a lot of stress and tension. We get along fairly well now I am happy to say. With my Colombian wife I now have the marriage that I always dreamed was possible.

Disclaimer: any comment I make is inane and is not to be taken seriously, and is so patently ridiculous that no one should take it seriously, even as an insult.

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dwmte says on Apr 23, 2005, 16:08:

it's all very tough, friend... all the opinions shared by your friends here will be of no use at all as the realities behind all this are inside you (and of course, the other participants).

i'm sure that you will find a peace with it all and that a calm will become your demeanor in time. sure, the pain is deep and profound, but behind it is a learning and in that learning, which i'm sure you'll internalize, is a growth. it is in that growth that you will discover the worth in all this.

i wish you luck and thank you for your sharing. i empathize with your agony.

douglas

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