Now what?

Paisa/Calena/Luver says on Mar 4, 2009, 09:57:

Where do you live? Do you want to go that route again? Maybe something closer to home this time? Do you really love Colombian women that much and want to try it again, look at it like a resurrection then! Better Luck Next Time!

"PAY ATTENTION! I wonder if that person knows that when we push the FUNNY button, its because we are reading something outrageous, trying to be cynical, derogatory, sarcastic and/or obnoxious!"

1 funny, 0 helpful.

Catfish35 says on Mar 4, 2009, 10:02:

Very Very Unfortunate....and very sorry to hear....seriously!
Divorce/Sep. is at the top of one of the most stressful things that can happen to a person/body. It ranks right up there with the loss of a family member.
Since you are asking, and I have been there, once or thrice, try not to focus on getting back into a relationship or who or what your going to do about finding somebody right now.
IMO, the last thing you want to do is rush back into something. It is not fair to you or the other person, because chances are that will not work out.
Step back, take it easy, this is the time to pick yourself up, brush yourself off....the start all over again comes later and will happen naturally. Get happy in your own skin again first!
Good Luck! and like Slingblade says..."YOU WILL BE HAPPY"!!

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

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davidyamiga says on Mar 4, 2009, 10:02:

Sana...i love Colombian women. I have married and divorced 2 of them. Am living with a third one. Glutton for punishment!

On the road again....

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Mononoke28 says on Mar 4, 2009, 10:37:

First of all I'm really sorry to hear that you think your marriage is over. I agree with azunoman and that maybe counseling may work but that's a personal option. But in all reality I think the best thing would be to go through the process, live it, feel it and mourn it before you even start thinking about whether to go back to Colombia and hook up again. I know that's how most men deal with pain but in my opinion that's why there are so many assholes walking around hurting everybody.

Bottome line is, if you don't deal with your current situation and the sadness/anger and pain most people feel after they break up, then you're not good for anyone else.

Diana

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Rikito says on Mar 4, 2009, 10:49:

There is a book than can give you some valuable information. the book is "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. The book is desined to help people get back into life after a divorce or other kind of relationship ends. You can get the book at amazon.com. I would also suggest that you seek out and join a support group. They folks can get you through some of thedifficult times now and ahead of you.

But before you do any of this...listen to what Mononoke28 said above and work on what she suggested.

Cuidaté

...and so it goes

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Mononoke28 says on Mar 4, 2009, 11:08:

Rikito reminded me of a book I read which helped me tremendously after a horrible break up with an ex-boyfriend of mine and it was "Mars and Venus Starting Over" by Dr. John Gray. He was so clear in pointing out why it's so important to take care of your issues after a break up and how to move on that it made total sense to get out of my depression. It's a great read.

Diana

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kat1 (Moderator) (Trustee board) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 4, 2009, 11:09:

sanandressi says on Mar 4, 2009, 11:32:

No it is over and should have happened two years ago for reasons I will not go into......I live in Denver Monoke28 Diana can I cry on your shoulder? You would not marry again kat1? What about me? Jajajajajajaja........I would not rule it out, again, but not at this point. I will chat with some Bogotanas on the net however. No Cali!

Are there mature responsible educated family orientated women in Colombia?

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ColombianoGringo (Moderator) (Trustee board) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 4, 2009, 11:35:

kat1 (Moderator) (Trustee board) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 4, 2009, 12:16:

poco says on Mar 4, 2009, 12:32:

Quote: Are there mature responsible educated family orientated women in Colombia?
===============
Yes but I don't think you'll like how a majority raise kids.

Colombian Chickens are crowing about the new President of the U.S. who will assure that From each according to their ability to each according to their need.

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kat1 (Moderator) (Trustee board) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 4, 2009, 12:34:

Catfish35 says on Mar 4, 2009, 12:51:

Just start drinking heavily..

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

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Rikito says on Mar 4, 2009, 13:39:

sanandressi, the book I suggested to you is by Dr. Bruce Fisher. If you Google him you will come upon his web site that is located in Denver. www.rebuilding.org Fisher Seminars give many classes and provides great support. I was a facilitator for the Fisher group for several years about 10- years ago so I would say it has greatly improved since then. The fees for the seminars are very reasonable. Their mission is not to rip you off. In fact, you can go to the first two segments of the seminar for free to help you decide. There are about 10 steps that you need to go through to get your emotions tuned up and back on track. For example: anger, grief, assimilation, sexuality, etc. Also, if you want to ever talk to someone you can have my phone number and I’ll call you. I'll bet there are many PBHers who would be here for you as well. The thing is...you need strength and solid people around you. You can't do this yourself successfully. Use your friends...they are not judges just people who will listen to you.

...and so it goes

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Rikito says on Mar 4, 2009, 13:44:

...and drinking heavily as catfish suggests or doin drugs makes things worse and is an excercies in stupidity. Anyone with an ounce of matuity will tell you that. Look in the mirror and realize that you are a good person and have not done anything wrong.

Listen to Mononoke28, she's from Denver and so am I. The thing to remember is that you are not alone.

...and so it goes

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Catfish35 says on Mar 4, 2009, 13:48:

Denver...smenevr...Your suffering from altitude sickness...read your post about a narcotic I left you on your other post..and leave the drinking to me..
Now listen, do you like Tequila? SA??

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

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dwmte7 says on Mar 4, 2009, 13:50:

sanandressi.............lo siento mucho. without regurgitating my misgivings and experiences in that theatre, i say only, that sit quietly with yourself, evaluate it from front to back, beginning to end and weigh the outcome in terms of where you want to go from here.

personally, i wouldn't step forward with thoughts such as 'should i marry again', 'do i want another wife' etc. rather with, hmmm, it's a new morning, what would i like to do today? as if you'ld arrived at a vacation destination and you wake up and happily think of your day's options. go forward--as much as is emotionally possible--without baggage. l like i said, go through the whole show and be done with it. step forward anew, and free from those years--the good and the bad--as much as you can. your life, nor life in general,didn't stop with the termination of you and your wife's relationship. without being rude or insulting, it's just one more page in the play.

one thing i learned, i was stronger and more resilient with each successive relationship. and i wish all that and more to you and your late wife...for both or you. because if you can't in all sincerity wish her 'bon voyage' you won't have one yourself.

all the best,

keep smiling,

in friendship, douglas

patriarch

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Rikito says on Mar 4, 2009, 14:15:

see! you have friends in here...vlauable friends...use them. ...and leave the drinking to catfish :-)

...and so it goes

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Rikito says on Mar 4, 2009, 14:19:

catfish..I cannot find anything on the web about this stuff. Did you spell it right. What I found was something as a laxitive.

...and so it goes

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Mononoke28 says on Mar 4, 2009, 15:23:

Every time I knew for sure I was over someone was whenever I would start singing Johny Nash's "I Can See Clearly Now" and feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It's very therapeutic.

Diana

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onthemoon says on Mar 4, 2009, 15:55:

Would like to say that everything is going to be ok but no =(( you are going to a hard process and probably you will feel lonely, sad, desperate, ugly, empty, bored, fat..jaja that will be over like after one year, it depends on your personality and how you deal with things, that's the dark phase, =p live all that and accept you feel bad about your situation, THEN, when you less expect it you will meet a hot colombiana, listen well, colombiana..jaja! because we are the best..=D who will make your heart beat fast again, enjoy the time you are having for yourself NOW, do things for you and hope you find a new love again soon!
pd: no muchas novias por favor!! jk. =p

Nunca dejes de amar, porque entonces habras perdido el sentido de tu existencia y el real sentido de tu felicidad.

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jinksmiester says on Mar 4, 2009, 16:00:

My advice to you is to not waste much time dwelling on the things that might have been and move on.Life is to short to waste.
A man is Not old until regret takes the place of dreams....chase yours...whatever they may be!







1

A man is not old until regret takes the place of dreams

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wwwhitey says on Mar 4, 2009, 16:06:

Sorry to hear about your troubles, Sanandressi.

Others have given some great advice already, and I too think it's important to go through the breakup and self-evaluation process.

But to answer your question (with more questions ... hahahaha): "do I return to Colombia and try again?"

I think you need to figure out whether this was a breakdown between people, or a breakdown between cultures. Do you still love/admire/respect the qualities of Colombianas ... do these qualities make them better in your judgement than women in your hometown (horrors!) or from other countries? If there are some negatives, can you live with them or do they outweigh the positives?

It seems to me that if you can discover the answers to these questions, you'll know where to look.

Buena suerte,

Whitey

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onthemoon says on Mar 4, 2009, 16:10:

oops... i didnt say sorry....sorry.

Nunca dejes de amar, porque entonces habras perdido el sentido de tu existencia y el real sentido de tu felicidad.

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Catfish35 says on Mar 4, 2009, 19:39:

Rikito,
The name is SINALGEN..sorry try that..and chase it with some Tequila..

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

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august says on Mar 4, 2009, 20:50:

Sanandressi says:
"I will chat with some Bogotanas on the net however. No Cali!

Are there mature responsible educated family orientated women in Colombia?"

Man, I'm no psychotherapist, but I see some serious things to be examined in the first and third sentences here.

First, why the internet? Why is that the first recourse? Or even an option at all?

Second, why Colombian women? Why not women from wherever you're from?

Third, don't you think that suggesting that your wife wasn't mature/responsible/educated/family-oriented enough is a pretty strong indication that you were projecting your own vision of your "perfect wife" onto someone who is actually just a regular, imperfect human instead of a figment of your imagination? I mean, why would that idealized person, if they existed, be interested in someone surfing the internet looking for women? Not to be harsh, just honest.

Fourth, why would one assume that that sort of woman (this idealized figment of your imagination) could be found via the internet of all places? Why would a mature/responsible/educated/family-oriented woman be chatting online with random gringos with the aim of progressing to a relationship with them?

I think you gotta listen to Douglas The Elder, take some time for yourself and accept that you might not (yet) be in a good space emotionally/spiritually to be having a romantic experience with someone (much less some random lady from Colombia!).

Again, I don't mean to be harsh by saying any of that, just identifying what seems evident.

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Lcacique says on Mar 5, 2009, 00:06:

Sound advice from kat, dwmte7, august (it wasn't harsh, just honest) and casa de norte.

"Es fácil vivir con los ojos cerrados interpretando todo lo que se ve mal..." ~ J. Lennon

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lampltr says on Mar 5, 2009, 02:55:

Sanandressi, sorry to hear dude!!
As most said here, stay away from the booze etc as these act as a depressant and will be counter-productive. Keep busy and your mind off the issues and your heart. Keep pressing forward with your original goals and desires. Take vacations in Colombia if you love much...sooner or later that someone will walk into your life when you will not be looking. Best to you bro!!

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sanandressi says on Mar 5, 2009, 05:59:

My drinking days are long gone. I am exercising again. I move into a two bedroom apartment tomorrow and then we will fighht for custody over the girls. My ex to be has thrown away about u of the things in the house. She is mentally not right and has not been for years and I believe her family in Colombia suffers mental illnesss. (Father and sister) She is 39 and acts 17. She thinks she is going to stay in the house and live on alimony and child support and I was told she applied for food stamps already. She speaks little English because she quit going to classes. The house will return to me or will be sold (In this economy?). Any funds she gets she will blow in a year or two. The woman is bi-polar. She was and is a Cali child.

I have given all I can but I have not had a wife but a third child for over 3 years. No more.

Thanks for the advice. I cannot see myself obtaining a visa for another Colombian at this point. My wife is in for some painful lessons in a year or two.

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sanandressi says on Mar 5, 2009, 06:01:

She has thrown away about seventy five per cent of our goods to the GARBAGE. Why? Her clothes, kids clothes, dishes, books, food, et al why? Then she wants a Dillard's credit card to buy it all new? The chick is sick!

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sanandressi says on Mar 5, 2009, 07:08:

August, I would love to meet a Colombiana IN DENVER in the future but I am not sure where or how that might happen? Chatting on the net with a gal in Bogota is not harmful is it? Facebook sure is popular!

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Catfish35 says on Mar 5, 2009, 07:24:

Too bad..good luck to you anyway and just refer back to my first post then...
Peace

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

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sanandressi says on Mar 5, 2009, 07:40:

Do you live in Denver now Rikito? Your profile says Armenia (cool) and you are not accepting private messages...?

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ghostdog says on Mar 5, 2009, 07:56:

sanandressi

sorry to hear of your impending divorce...i went thru one recently and ugh...they sure are dificil....

my 2 cents are that you spend a year or 2 at least reestablishing your identity as a single man...work on self improvement, etc...

then after that worry about getting another girl to possibly get 'involved' with on a serious level.

you need at least a rebound or 2...

no need to jump head first back into the frying pan...

you are emotionally in no shape to get involved in a serious relationship for quite some time...

strut around like a rooster for a while and enjoy being your own man again...

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Rikito says on Mar 5, 2009, 07:57:

I was not aware that there were children involved in this which changes a lot of you have to do. Your focus now is on the children. If you do not have attorney...get one immediately if not sooner. I repeat and let's not be witty or funny about this people. The children are vulnerable. They are not like you, they do not think or act like you, and their problems are much different than yours. Mononoke28 and other PBHers, jump in on this please. They need special care regardless of age...if they are teeners they need counseling...soon. The lawyer can protect you and the children. If possible you need to get custody of the children or one day they will be calling you from Cali.

I have been a counselor somewhat in days past and I know what I say is true. Because there maybe unemancipated children in the mix the courts will look at your issues much differently than other divorce cases.

It's ok to blow me off, but please do this, just pick up a phone and call an attorney. If you need one in Denver and do not know who to get, let me know. I know some attorney's in Denver that charge a lot or can give you a special rate. Colorado is not a 50/50 state like someone may try to tell you. The courts divide property as to what is reasonable using a 50/50 standard. What you brought in the marriage is yours. What you accumulated is divided by the "Reasonable" standard. For example, if you have custody the 50/50 is gone. AND NEVER, NEVER allow her alimony. If you do she can come back to the courts whenever she wants and get the amount increased. If she is not awarded alimony from the beginning she can never ask for anything. If she has a job or one that is a professional type like an accountant or something you can pay her up front money for rehabilitation but no alimony. If she is an addict you can offer to pay for help and throw some money at it to show good intent on your part, but no alimony.

And can talk to all day, but you would be better served by a trained attorney in divorce law. If you can't afford one, the Denver County Social Services office can help you get one for next to nothing.

One final thing...read up on what Mediation is all about and how to use it in your favor. In the State of Colorado use must use mediation first before a divorce action can occur. It is important though that you protect your most important asset...your children. All the rest of your stuff pigs can eat as compared to your kids.

Remember this: Protect your children and under no circumstance ever accept alimony. If you do she can hound you forever from anywhere in the world. Also, do not talk with her unless your attorney knows what you are doing. My last divorce in Denver using a very good attorney saved me almost $125,000USD. Years ago I went through another divorce in Denver…my wife was an unrepentant drug addict. What does a druggie need more than drugs? Money! I offered $50,000 in cash and she took it and blew it up her nose in two months. She came to me for more and even offered me a BJ in my office for a mere $1,000USD.

Good luck to you my friend. If not me listen to Kat and Mononoke28.

...and so it goes

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ghostdog says on Mar 5, 2009, 08:01:

rikito- ya i know first hand bout those unrepentant drug addict women...mine was into prescription meds...

bj for $1000? geez, she thinks very highly of her skills...

you shoulda said- really only $1K??

well all i need is $20 worth!!

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sanandressi says on Mar 5, 2009, 08:33:

Not sure about what you mean not offering her alimony or me accepting it from her? My lawyer said I would have to give her alimony/maintanance anyway. Child support depends on who gets what percentage of custody. I have a lawyer. Actually have talked to 4. Mediation? We go to status court the 2nd of April. I am going for full custody but who knows........

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ColombianoGringo (Moderator) (Trustee board) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 5, 2009, 08:47:

ghostdog says on Mar 5, 2009, 08:51:

CG- you can make all the agreements in the world in the divorce about speaking badly about the other parent in front of the children but its virtually unenforcible.

i have it my decree- but how does a court enforce this?

SA- everything alimoney, child support, etc all depends on the state.

in Texas if youwere married less than 10 years, no alimony however the father (or custodial parent) pays all the child support...

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ColombianoGringo (Moderator) (Trustee board) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 5, 2009, 09:00:

ghostdog says on Mar 5, 2009, 10:01:

Yes CG- it is best if both parents can agree and uphold their agreement to not bad mouth each other in front of the children...

its best for the kids...

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ColombianoGringo (Moderator) (Trustee board) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 5, 2009, 10:07:

sanandressi says on Mar 5, 2009, 10:36:

She said she wanted a divorce and this is what she is getting. I almost did it two years ago. She is not thinking of the kids. Why has she thrown over half the house out into the garbage? Mentally ill! Her 80 year old man in Colombia walks around saying "Voy a comprar una finca" and her sister was crying saying she was going to poison herself and her three small daughters several years ago when I first met her. They don't have a penny to their name.

Something ain't right in that family's way of thinking? I gotta get her out of my life!

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Rikito says on Mar 5, 2009, 10:42:

sanandressi, it depends. What I said about alimony is a fact. If you never give it to her in any form she cannot get from you in the future. If you get custody everything changes. She can still get child support with no spousal support (alimony) if she has custody. If you lose custody and there is an attempt to include spousal support, have the attorney put that money into child support of the children and not spousal support. You can look up a lot of information by googling "getting divorced in Colorado." The thing is...do not pay spousal support...why? Because you pay as long as she stays single or your die whichever is first. Then she can go after your estate on behalf of the children when you die. If she gets married the spousal support stops. When the children reach 19 (I think) they are emancipated from child support you have to pay.

Spousal support s determined based on the incomes and employment opportunities of each party, the division of property, health issues, child custody and length of marriage. The longer the marriage, the more likely it is that one party will be awarded alimony. Marriages that lasted only a couple years generally do not warrant alimony payments. However, there is no set limit to how many years a marriage must be to justify alimony payments.

One of the arguments she will use if she gets an attorney (that you will pay for) is this…spousal support might be considered by a court if your wife will undergo hardship if she does not receive the spousal support. The concept that a spouse needs to maintain the standard of living to which she is accustomed is sometimes used in the decision of whether spousal support will be awarded.

Get your attorney to throw money at her instead of spousal support. You may lose your job; you may get sick, worse…you may want to get married again. Ok, how are you going to pay spousal support? If you do not pay it just piles up on you until; you do pay. Throw money up front…she probably needs it. If he still feels that you should pay spousal support…get another attorney. I have been divorced twice in Colorado and never paid spousal support. Does your wife work? If she does then no spousal support. If she does not work pay for her to get job skills. Does the attorney know about her Colombian nationality? Tell your attorney she is a flight risk.

Last thing…if your throw money at her and get to agree to the money it should be a lot less than spousal support and child support. In Colorado, these last two items are arrived at by the court imposing a formula.

Does she have a job, or a profession? How old are your children? Why do you think you can get custody of the children? Being a bad wife isn’t enough…it has to be something you can prove…like her bi-polar disorder. If that is a medical diagnosis you can use it against her. You can also use the flight risk against her. Of course if she leaves the U.S. all support payments cease. Make sure that is in the final order.

...and so it goes

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Rikito says on Mar 5, 2009, 10:43:

I'll take the PM off now.

...and so it goes

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Mononoke28 says on Mar 5, 2009, 12:37:

sanandressi says on Mar 5, 2009, 07:08 (today): flag

August, I would love to meet a Colombiana IN DENVER in the future but I am not sure where or how that might happen? Chatting on the net with a gal in Bogota is not harmful is it? Facebook sure is popular!
---------------------------------
There's plenty of them here in Denver, you just need to go to Colombian events. My sister is one of them but she's more into Latinos than gringos. Although her ex was a gringo, I never got that one. But anyway, you need to take care of yourself first and your children before you can even fathom the thought of hooking up again. If you want friends check out http://www.clubcolombiaunida.com which is the site for the Colombian Club here in Denver.

Also, your soon to be ex is doing all of that to get your attention. I know this first hand and she's desperate so the only way she can get it is by doing drastic, crazy things like throwing things out. She's frustrated, depressed and I can pretty much bet she's feeling like there is nothing she can do to move on. Thus... the crazy attitude.

Diana

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njc (Dev team) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 5, 2009, 12:48:

ghostdog says on Mar 5, 2009, 13:06:

njc (Dev team) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 5, 2009, 12:48 (today): flag

The advice that ColombianoGringo gave is some of the best I've seen on PBH.

For people like ghostdog, the children should come before one's ego.



njc- did you misread my post??

there was no ego before children in my posts on this thread...

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ghostdog says on Mar 5, 2009, 13:09:

sanandressi says on Mar 5, 2009, 05:59 (today): flag

My drinking days are long gone. I am exercising again. I move into a two bedroom apartment tomorrow and then we will fighht for custody over the girls. My ex to be has thrown away about u of the things in the house. She is mentally not right and has not been for years and I believe her family in Colombia suffers mental illnesss. (Father and sister) She is 39 and acts 17. She thinks she is going to stay in the house and live on alimony and child support and I was told she applied for food stamps already. She speaks little English because she quit going to classes. The house will return to me or will be sold (In this economy?). Any funds she gets she will blow in a year or two. The woman is bi-polar. She was and is a Cali child.

I have given all I can but I have not had a wife but a third child for over 3 years. No more.



i must say SA- you sound like u were married to my wife...of course she just recently turned 40 and acts 17....she's moved in with her parents and depite being highly educated has blown thru more than her 50% of our assets that she got and now has no money, no job and is fighting to get on public assistance/welfare...

she might have some lessons to learn but remember- they are hers to learn and you are no longer responsible for her learning those lessons.


if anything she'll slip deeper and deeper in this- if she chooses to deal with this divorce at all...her being bi-polar she'll likely just take more and more meds...

take her off ur medical insurance as soon as humanly possible...

pm me if you need anymore comiserating...i had a text book case of one of these...

gdog

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sanandressi says on Mar 5, 2009, 14:12:

Rikito, my lawyer said I would have to pay her alimony for 4 years. Now they call it maintanance. I will not have to pay much child support if I get at least joint custody. My lawyer says she will have to work even though she has ony worked the last 2 ot 3 years. I will re-fi the house and pay her off and move back in or just sell the thing. They use a couple of formulas....my lawyer said "I will be all righht" I dunno....I worry for my kids with her.

It is not about the money anymore but the kids. All those mental and emotional concerns.

Sounds like your experience is like mine ghostdog. I have made erros as well but I can't figure out what she wants and I don't think she really knows or has known for the last 3 years?

Thanks for the advice. I didn't know I had so many friends here. Thought I pissed most of you off with my political rants?

Monoke, It does not make sense to throw the house away. Much of it was stuff she bought? Is she trying to re-create a happier childhood in Colombia? I dunno.....I just dunno but I guess she will only be my problem in the futre as it relates to the kids. She wanted this not I.

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ghostdog says on Mar 5, 2009, 14:35:

SA- what she wants? she doesn't even know what she wants because of her issues that she suffers from.

she's outta control within her own mind right now and if personality control meds she likely only finds much solace in those...(correct me if your experience is diff than mine)...

also- if you guys have other assets that you can divest you might not need to re-fi the house if you can cash her out in another way...

in the end when it comes to asset/liability settlement in a divorce all it winds up is dollars and cents...

is she trying to return to Colombia?

If so- i'd move to another state after she leaves and not pay any 'maintenance' ordered by that state court...


as for u having friends on here- many of us have been thru divorce...so we can comiserate with you!!!

hang in their pal...

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njc (Dev team) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 5, 2009, 15:29:

Rikito says on Mar 5, 2009, 15:38:

SA on what basis do you have to pay her spousal support and it is his job to do this or get someonelse? Get custody of the children and get child support with no alimony. Make sure the attorney knows that she is a flight risk. Those children are no Colombian are they? If they are American you can make an issue out of this. Have you discussed Divorce Mediation with this guy? Through mediation you get to decided. Trhough the courts the court decides...and they do not do a very good job of it. If you use Mediation you will have the upper hand and will get more of what you want.

I still can believe this guy thinks you have to pay spousal support. Of course I do not know the whole story either and I am not an Attorney, but I do have personnal experience and have done a ton of research on Coloraod law. Sposual support is a
quick and easy way to solve your case and if you do this you have a good chance of being sorry. Search the net. There are some Internet sites for Coloraod divorce Attornye's that allow you to ask a question or two and get some free advice.

Get custody of the children and have her pay you spousal support. Check out this site: http://www.davidlittmanpc.com/. I know David and have worked with him many years ago.

...and so it goes

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ghostdog says on Mar 5, 2009, 15:47:

njc (Dev team) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 5, 2009, 15:29 (today): flag

ghostdog,

I didn't misread your post, I think I just read too far into it. My point is that it doesn't matter if it's an enforceable agreement or not, each individual has responsibility to make the situation the least painful that is possible. If one thinks that the fact that such an agreement is not enforceable (or the fact that someone broke such an agreement) nullifies that responsibility, then one's ego is taking priority.



i agree completely that it is both parties responsibility to make it happen...if u read my other posts u'd see where i was heading with it...


when I said 'non-enforceable i was speaking about in courts...

i actually have that verbage in my decree and both of us have been very cognizant of keeping our end of the agreement...of course hell hath no fuery like the wrath of a woman scorned- meaning mama is more apt to do it than me...

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dwmte7 says on Mar 6, 2009, 07:27:

well, brother, i didn't want to stick my nose in here any further...but from all appearances somebody better. i have very serious doubts that anyone here has been in divorce court more than me and to say that i kinda have a feel for it like the back of my hand should be plausable.

first, trusting attorneys is--in divorce court--pretty much a no no. just because he's in your corner, doesn't ever mean he's on your side. an example...both attorneys will hammer it out and appear to fight for their respective clients in court then an hour later the two will go to lunch and maybe play golf in the afternoon. they're (they can be ) some slimey dogs. sure,, there's a good one here and there, but for the most part, a good attorney is like chicken teeth....very hard found.

so keep your cards close to your chest. DO NOT, again DO NOT, harang about the mrs and how much of a nut case she is. be mild, calm, loving, untouched and uneffected (remember, the judge is married to one....all that you can say, he already knows) put her on the stand...let her thoughts, speech and actions speak for themselves. YOU MUST KEEP YOUR CALM, TREAT THE EX LIKE YOUR PREACHER'S DAUGHTER. don't come unglued...no matter how much of a case she is. keep your wits about you...forget that she needs to be in a straight jacket. say only what you ABSOLUTELY must......THAT IS IF YOU WANT CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILDREN.

as it sounds now....i know, i been there way too many times...you sound as nutty as she probably is. shake all that crap off, you can't spend it, it ain't worth saving, and it wont even burn. cast it out and cast it off. you gotta be like ghandi if you want to win...because if you don't win before you enter the courtroom, i guarantee you, you wont win there. you have to know within yourself you are best for the girls...cause if you don't know it AND KNOWING IS BEING, nobody in that courtroom will know it either, neither judge, the attorneys, the ex wife, nor YOURSELF.

get ahold of yourself, forget all the 'what she did' shit, grow up....and i mean the big up. the nexttime you talk with your attorney. have that BEING about you. not a word about what a piece of _______ she is. drop that line of defense, as it's no defense atall,sounds more like jealousy and it will defeat you. get big inside yourself, seeher, with charity and sympathy so the judge feels your compassion and understanding clearly make you the choice.

good luck to you both.

douglas

patriarch

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ghostdog says on Mar 6, 2009, 08:14:

i agree with douglas...

divorce attorneys have got to be the slimier than used car and snake oil salesmen...

of course divorce court is known as purgery palace...so unless you have viable evidence...it's he said she said when arguing ur case...


i say take Doug's advise on divorce...

just not on marriage!!!???

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ColombianoGringo (Moderator) (Trustee board) (☼Travelguide writer) says on Mar 6, 2009, 09:11:

Mononoke28 says on Mar 6, 2009, 12:08:

dwmte7 says on Mar 6, 2009, 07:27 (today):
(remember, the judge is married to one....all that you can say, he already knows)
---------------------------------
That's great advice Doug, I never thought of that.

Diana

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Lcacique says on Mar 6, 2009, 17:54:

Chatting on line with girls in foreign countries wreaks of desperation and I doubt that it is a positive ingredient for a healthy relationship, but I wouldn't go so far as to say that it is wrong. I do think it is rather strange when someone claims that they do not know how to meet someone in their own area code, but feel that they will have much more luck going thousands of miles away. I do wish you luck and regret to hear that your relationship fell apart.

"Es fácil vivir con los ojos cerrados interpretando todo lo que se ve mal..." ~ J. Lennon

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Lisa Zee says on Mar 6, 2009, 18:28:

Separation and divorce are very difficult for anyone, but the most affected ones are always the children.
I wonder at which point in the relationship the op realized she was bipolar?, months after they met? years?, first child?, last few months?......
When you have children, you must try every way possible to stay together. Maybe it has been said already, but is she going to therapy and taking meds?.... Prosac, zolaf, wellbutren, Lexapro???????

Good luck.

La vida sera' contigo tan justa como lo eres con los dema's.

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Lcacique says on Mar 6, 2009, 18:48:

Lisa, I have heard that argument before and must respectfully disagree with you. Couples should not just throw in the towel after trivial disagreements, but I feel that staying together can be worse for the child. I have a friend who is married to a man who earns very little money and forces her to pay for most of the families bills. For example, he has never used his own earnings to pay for groceries and gets furious when she forgets something. He is also emotionally abusive. For years, she has stayed with this man claiming that she is doing it for her daughter. So, what is her daughter gaining from them staying together? She gets to grow up amidst chaos, verbal and emotional abuse and she learns that this is acceptable behavior. Rather than having two parents in an unstable environment, I think the child would benefit more from having one parent and a stable/nurturing environment. She would also learn, for her future benefit, that such a man should not be tolerated.

I assume that you would agree and I understand where you are coming from when you say that people with children should try to stay together. I think it depends, case by case. Sometimes a little effort can turn a relationship around and other times there is nothing to salvage.

"Es fácil vivir con los ojos cerrados interpretando todo lo que se ve mal..." ~ J. Lennon

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Lisa Zee says on Mar 6, 2009, 18:53:

You are absolutely right, Lcacique, I just think parents should try harder, but if it does not work, it does not work, and you can say "I tried everything possible"

La vida sera' contigo tan justa como lo eres con los dema's.

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Lcacique says on Mar 6, 2009, 19:20:

I did not mean to imply that your sentiment was without merit. Parents should try to stay together if they can get back to providing a healthy and positive environment to raise a child.

"Es fácil vivir con los ojos cerrados interpretando todo lo que se ve mal..." ~ J. Lennon

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Lisa Zee says on Mar 6, 2009, 23:13:

Estamos de acuerdo ;))) ☼

La vida sera' contigo tan justa como lo eres con los dema's.

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dwmte7 says on Mar 7, 2009, 05:35:

i agree and disagree with both of you.....you give your word...keep it. and no one should ever stop 'growing up' and being better. there's no end to that voyage. if things are so 'tanked' and 'hopeless' they were that way in the beginning. basket cases don't just 'happen' they're basket cases from the get go and if some one didn't see the writing on the wall, what can you say for their blindness?

d

patriarch

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ghostdog says on Mar 7, 2009, 07:15:

Lisa Zee says on Mar 6, 2009, 18:28: flag

Separation and divorce are very difficult for anyone, but the most affected ones are always the children.
I wonder at which point in the relationship the op realized she was bipolar?, months after they met? years?, first child?, last few months?......
When you have children, you must try every way possible to stay together. Maybe it has been said already, but is she going to therapy and taking meds?.... Prosac, zolaf, wellbutren, Lexapro???????



People like this are disaster people to be in relationships.

Their only truly relationship is their drogas...




dwmte7 says on Mar 7, 2009, 05:35 (today): flag
basket cases don't just 'happen' they're basket cases from the get go and if some one didn't see the writing on the wall, what can you say for their blindness?

i agree with u- i realized mine was a basket case before we got married and was naive and chose to overlook it. marriage only exacerbated their weave of the basket and made her life more and more difficult to control...

beware of takers of meds because often times they are just legalized drug addicts...with strong emotional problems that are not conducive to intimacy and marriage and even children.

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dwmte7 says on Mar 7, 2009, 11:54:

i married my wife over twenty years ago. when we met she was a virgin and i didn't know/ask...just realized. the first time we were intimate, she conceived. as the next couple of months passed and her pregnancy continued...i realized..we both realized we didn't have much in common. we didn't get along. well,since she was about 35, well educated, virgin, clean, etc. i just couldn't treat it like it was some gal i had met in the street. i went and consulted the priest at the eglisia in rio negro and declared my intention to marry. her.

i later went ant asked her father for her hand in marriage. allt his knowing full well that we were anything but peas in a pod.

we married, it was the work from hell, we fought, argued, disagreed, you name it. however, since i married in the catholic church and i being catholic, knew the rules, even after being offered an annulment by the monsignor in the curia, i said no, i told the monsignor that i knew the rules, i didn't want annulment...i just wanted a wife. my wife was so damn hard/ tough,argumentative. i tell you it was hell. i just stuck it out.

after we lost our business in bev hills to the rodney king riots...it became so difficult we separated and she asked for a divorce. i told the court to enter in the judgement that i didn't accept the divorce on catholic grounds and i explained to the judge that if we couldn't live together, i'd live down the street. i gave her custody of the baby and she immediately returned to colombia. i moved our home back down to colombia but not wanting to live in poblado, nor could i afford it, i stayed up in the mtns.

she would come on weekends with laura, our youngest and we'ld visit. finally my folks who had retired from california to florida asked if we would come back and take care of them. we talked it over, decided to get back together and we moved back to florida. i lived for 2 1/2 yrs in the mtns alone. now weve been together since. we're not crazy passionate lovers, but we love each other deeply and are good parents. we stuck it out and our daughter has both her parents under the same roof. it was worth the price. it's a very rare case that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. very rare. folks discover that they're with some 'basket case' , wierdo, or nut...why? because they need to be, it's the best learning environment for both of them. and in our case, by sticking it out all these years, we ironed out a shit load of wrinkles out or ourselves. not just her, not just me...both of us. we grew, changed and stuck it out.

i honored my catholic marriage and ultimately, it honored us.

anyone else out there suffering? look into that suffering, look at your children, examine your word. keep it, suffer a bit, grow and learn and become better people, be gentile with each other and try and speak nicely.
douglas

patriarch

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Rocco81 says on Apr 30, 2009, 13:08:

Get a Brazilian woman they are better anyways.

Sic semper tyrannis

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