Misc Jokes

MacGringo says on Oct 9, 2005, 12:46:

Before I tell this one I'm not racist...OK

What do you call a Pakistani sheep shagger?

RAMALAM

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CanadaMan says on Oct 9, 2005, 14:02:

This joke was borrowed from another poster on WLC.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar
Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"

Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little s***. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,

"Oh s***, we're f**ked!" and Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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johnboy77 says on Oct 9, 2005, 23:27:

A boy came home from school one day, and asked his father for some help with his homework.

“Dad, my teacher asked us to write about the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘reality’, could you help me out?�

The boy’s father agreed. He sat for a moment and thought. Finally he said “Go upstairs and ask your mother if she would have sex with Robert Redford for a million dollars, then go ask your sister if she would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars�

The boy did as he was told and returned a short time later. He said to his father “Dad, they both said yes, but I still don’t get the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘reality’�.

The father said to the boy “Son, POTENTIALLY we are sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we live with a couple sluts�


MacGringo,

I'm not racist either. I own a colour TV.

Did anyone hear about the Gay Midget? Well, he came out of the cupboard just last week.

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bobbyb says on Oct 10, 2005, 03:28:

what do you call a queer Irishman? A gaylick

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Goodison says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:15:

Apologies in advance What's the difference between a bag of dead babies and a safe full of money.

I don't have a safe full of money under my floorboards.

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:21:

That is in very very bad taste Goodison...

Disgusting.............

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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kernow62 says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:26:

Did anyone hear about the Gay Midget? Well, he came out of the cupboard just last week.

Ja ja that is the best one so far.

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quindioman says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:32:

what do you call an Indian lesbian?
Mingita

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kernow62 says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:34:

Not sure the Americans will understand that one, quindioman.

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Goodison says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:37:

Your right CanadaMan, it was sick.... but it made me laugh.

Try this one,

2 fat guys sat at a bar.

1st one says, "your round"

2nd one says, "you're not exactly slim yourself, you fat *%$£"* "

O.k., I'll quit now!

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kernow62 says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:40:

I called in to see my mate MacGringo(a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls.

I remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which MacGringo replied "No. I'm moving house."

PS: I wrote that very slowly so that Gomezman5 could read it.

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quindioman says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:43:

their loss Kernow....it is my personal favourite though.....
I'll give them something to understand

Why does Louisiana have hurricanes and Texas has Mexicans?

Louisiana had first pick (or draught as they say)....I had to change that one as the original is even less PC

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quindioman says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:44:

LMAO jejeje
good one kernow

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kernow62 says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:45:

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are all provided. Because of the long hours of this job, room and board will also be provided.

Annually, you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year plus a full health benefit package."

The young man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

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kernow62 says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:46:

APARTMENT FOR RENT

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realising that the

whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250

and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that

1) it had never been occupied;

2) that there was plenty of heat;

3) that is was small enough to make me Cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat,

and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady

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BlondeJamesBond says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:47:

Apologies in advance too... Probably been doing the rounds but haven't seen it on here.

Q: What is George Bush's position on Roe v Wade?

A: He didn't care how people got out of New Orleans!

....sorry again!

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kernow62 says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:52:

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people of different nationalities who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man, an Englishman, replied "A thought". It pops into your
head.
There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the Interviewer. And now you sir, he asked
the second man, a Chinese. "Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man, an American, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant."
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

"It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth man, a Jamaican, he posed the question.

"Bwoy, after hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" said the Jamaican.

"WHAT!?" said the Interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain, man." said Jamaican, "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants!"

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BlondeJamesBond says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:52:

Funny true story. Email I recieved:

Bricklayer's Accident Report ~

Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.


I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Bill Fuller

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kernow62 says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:53:

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and
buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner
and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check
for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on
you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face
and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide
old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide
to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his
new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil
change." Drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in
the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids
sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and
avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe
eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug
and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required
to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh
oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right.

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Goodison says on Oct 10, 2005, 04:57:

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus
and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The
angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and
the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with
a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got
it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of
the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began
to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as
the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and
parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the
Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on
Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you
tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

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quindioman says on Oct 10, 2005, 05:02:

por ay andaba Jesus, bien juicioso lavando la ropa.
Depronto se arrima Simon y le pregunta a Jesus...."Lavais?"
Al cual Jesus responde...."no mijo...Levis!"

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 05:09:

Mickey files for Divorce Mickey Mouse filed for divorce terminating his long standing marriage to Minnie.

At the divorce court proceedings, the judge read the complaint and said, "Mr. Mouse you are seeking a divorce on the grounds that Mrs. Mouse is mentally unstable, correct?"

Mickey responded angrily, "NO!! NOT BECAUSE SHE IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE, BECAUSE SHE'S f***ING GOOFY!!"

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 05:14:

Keep your drink away from the Computer Two Jews walk past a church and see a big sign saying "Convert to Christianity and we'll pay you $ 10,000 ".

Moishe turns to Avi and says "What a great offer...why don't you go in there, take the course, say you've converted to Christianity, and then we'll spend the cash!"

Avi says "Brilliant idea. You wait outside and I'll get the money".

An hour goes past. Then 2 hours.

Finally, after 5 hours, Avi comes out of the church.

Moishe asks: "Well?"

Avi: "Well, now I believe in Jesus, the father, the son, and the Holy Ghost."

Moishe: "No, no... what happened to the " $10,000 ".

Avi: "That's the problem with you Jews...you only ever think about money"..!!

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 05:20:

The Jewish SAMURAI Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a
powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration
throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year
passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials:

....a Japanese Samurai

....a Chinese Samurai

....and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why
he should be the chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee.
Whoosh! went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on
the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "This is impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai;
for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly.
Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped
dead on the ground .....in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed in awe: "That is really VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to
step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small
gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! ....But
the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: "I
see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant
to kill."

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 05:39:

Colombian Jokes Here is a real Colombian joke from

http://www.nuestracolombia.org.co/m_englishversion/colombiajokes.html

A man goes to a lawyer paisa. - How much you get for a quick consultation? - 100.000 pesos for three questions. - Is it a little expensive, no? - Yes... and tell me which are your third question?

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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Hunter says on Oct 10, 2005, 05:48:

BlondeJamesBond Thanks.

Hunter

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 05:48:

10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:

You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.

My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe.

If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.

As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside.

The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 05:52:

Just a Quick E-mail Note A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

P.S.: Sure is hot down here.

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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MacGringo says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:06:

Nice one Kernow, cheers for including me in your joke, I feel privelaged. bababababababa

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BlondeJamesBond says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:06:

Hunter You're welcome!

A woman walks in to a bar and the barman says "Yes love, what can I get you?"

"I'll have a Double Entendre." says the woman.

So he gave her one.

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MacGringo says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:08:

Has anyone heard the latest on the floods in New Orleans, American authorities are putting the blame on a suicide plumber.

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quindioman says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:09:

a Colombian joke (badly) translated.

Juanita complained to her mum that a cockroach had gone up her vagina and wouldn't come out. Juanita's mum immediately took her to the gynaecologist, Pedro.
Juanita's mum explained the situation to Pedro, and Pedro said he would have a look but needed to be left alone with Juanita. Juanita's mum obliged and decided to wait outside.

After about 10 minutes, Juanita's mum started to hear her daughter moan and Pedro seemed to be cursing the air. She decided to barge straight in and caught Pedro penetrating her daughter willy nilly.

"Doctor! what do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"Oh....well I couldn't get the cockroach out, but never fear madam, I'm in the process of making sure this cockroach dies"

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Goodison says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:12:

George Bush is sitting in a cabinet meeting discussing Iraq, when Condaleeza Rice rushes in. "Mr. President! A bomb has just killed three Brazilian soldiers in Baghdad!".
"That's terrible!" , says Bush, and bursts into tears.
The cabinet sit around, embarrassed. They've never seen the Prez so upset. Eventually he blows his nose and says, "Remind me, how many in a Brazillion?"

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Goodison says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:15:

2 racehorses were in a bar.One said to the other,
'I was in a race last week,going great,furlongs ahead and then I got this terrrible pain between my buttocks.Pulled me up short.Lost the race.'
'That's uncanny'said the other horse.'Exactly the same thing happened to me last month'.
A greyhound at the next table leaned over and said,'That's amazing,cos the same thing happened to me only yesterday'
'Would you believe that',said the horses.'A talking dog !

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:19:

BlondeJamesBond that is priceless That is a good true story...

ouch

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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MacGringo says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:25:

These jokes are too much, if I laugh any more I'm gonna get the sack!!!
jajajajajajajaja

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BlondeJamesBond says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:32:

Man goes to the Doctor

"Doctor, I've got a piece of lettuce stuck up my backside!"

"Right, bend over". Says the Doctor. "Mmmmmm, tut, tut, tut."

"What? Is it serious Doc?"

"Well sir..........I'm afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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kat1 (Moderator) says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:33:

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 and Beer Bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Dear Wife 1.0 user,

This is a very common problem that men complain about but is mostly due to the following primary misconception: Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities & Entertainment" program.

Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its creator to run everything.

Warning! Do not try to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0, because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.'

Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs; this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having already installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the 'Apologize' button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is also a very high maintenance program. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0: Monthly, use utilities such as TLC and FTD. Frequently use Communicator 5.0 Tech Support.

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BlondeJamesBond says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:37:

... Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee'd in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the crap out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:37:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson camping Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said
Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some f-----g has stolen our tent."

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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MacGringo says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:41:

One night Sherlock Holmes wakes up in the middle of the night with a 'rager on'.
Feeling the need to put this 'rager' to good use he nips down to Dirty Maggie's(the local hookers house), he sees that her window is open and shouts up "Maggie, are you there, I'm lookin for some action"
Maggie replies "Fuck off Sherlock, its 4.00 in the morning"
So Sherlock fucks off back down the road to his house.
Sherlocks sidekick Watson is currently homeless and is crashing on Sherlocks sofa in the living room.
When Sherlock walks into the living room he notices that Watsons ass is hanging out from underneath the quilt and Sherlock, not one to let an opportunity pass by decides this is how he can put his 'rager' to good use.
On searching the house for something to lubricate Watsons ass with all he can find is a jar of lemon curd in the fridge and thinks that will do nicely.
So he smears some of the lemon curd onto Watsons ass at this point Watson jumps up and screams "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING SHERLOCK".
To which Sherlock replied "IT'S LEMON ENTRY MY DEAR WATSON"

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kat1 (Moderator) says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:42:

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

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BlondeJamesBond says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:47:

... A man walked into a bar

broke 2 ribs

It was an iron bar.

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:48:

United States VS Canada --- A 10 star joke An American ship was out in the ocean when the captain noticed something on the radar that was directly in their path. He got on the radio an said

"I honorably request that you alter your course 15 degrees north to avoid an accident."

The blip on the radar, a Canadian answered back

"no, I request that you change your course 15 degrees north to prevent an accident."

At this the American captain became quite angry, so he got on the radio and said,

"I am the captain of a US Navy ship, I respectfully demand that you alter your course."

The Canadian answered back "No, I think you should alter you course."

At this point the captain couldn't stand it, so he got on the radio and said,

"This is the captain of the USS Enterprise, we are the largest ship in the US Navy, I demand that you change your course NOW!"

At this the Canadian calmly got on the radio and said, "We are a small Canadian lighthouse, your call."

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 06:56:

The Humor of Steven Wright
The refined humor of Stephen Wright: Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?


If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?


I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.


Do Lipton tea employees take coffee breaks?


What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses and passports of bald men?


If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?


Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?


Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?


Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?


What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?


Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?


When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go?


Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.


Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I put the key in the door of my house and my house started up. I
drove it around till the police pulled me over. I told them to get
out of my f*****g driveway.......

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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Goodison says on Oct 10, 2005, 07:13:

Try one of these ....
Genius
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


Questions...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?


Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

15) You never ever run out of salt.

16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 07:42:

Presidential Coincidence? Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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johnboy77 says on Oct 10, 2005, 09:42:

My Father's actual comment about Canada allowing Gay Marriages (I honestly never laughed so hard in my life):

"Sure, why not, why the hell should they be allowed to be happy their whole lives...letting them get married is a great idea, this way they won't be so godammed happy on their gay parades."

OK, a lot of the following are in real bad taste... too bad. They make me laugh every time. I didn't make any of them up either, so I can't be held responsible:

*************

What's the difference between and Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?

One less drunken abnoxious asshole.

*************

Why are there so few Mexicans in the Olympics?

If they can run, jump, or swim, they already live in the USA.

*************

What's the difference between a canoe, and a Canadian?

Canoes tip sometimes.

*************

Why are there no Indians on Star Trek?

Well, I guess they won't work in the future either.

What do you get when you put 36 Indian women around a campfire?

One full set of teeth

What does an Indian women say when she is losing her virginity?

Get off me dad, your crushing my smokes.


************

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?

Because she was woman.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with her right hand?

So she can moan with her left.

Why did Helen Keller burn her face?

Because she answered the iron.

Why did Helen Keller burn her face again?

The person called back.

*************

What do a French Canadiens have in common with Billiard Balls?

If you hit them hard enough, you can get a little English out of them.

************

Why are Jewish men circumcized?

Jewish women love anything that's 15% off.

*************

Enough for now....

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Diggs says on Oct 10, 2005, 11:21:

Feeling sick ? A woman calls her boss at work and says : I am sorry but I'm sick today, the doctor says I am suffering of a severe case of anal glaucoma ?
Her boss asks, what does that mean ?
She replies:that I can't see my ass coming to work today.

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Eclipse says on Oct 10, 2005, 11:22:

New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Diggs says on Oct 10, 2005, 11:26:

tartamudo Un hombre va a una entrevista de trabajo en una oficina, y le preguntan: cual es su nombre ?
- Pepepepedro Pepeperez
-perdone usted la pregunta, es usted tartamudo señor?
-No, el tartamudo era mi papa` y el de la oficina de registro un hijueputa !

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 19:24:

Here you go A gentile one asked Rabbi Goldberg,
"Tell me, Rabbi, is it true that a Jew always answers a question with another one?"

The rabbi eyed him suspiciously and replied
"Who told you that?"
----------------------------------------------------

Synagogue Bulletin Blunders.

These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldn't have helped!

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by
Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours"

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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CanadaMan says on Oct 10, 2005, 19:30:

This one is for Utopia Cowboy
Joke - Russian Jewish immigrant to Texas

There was a young fellow who emigrated from Russia to Texas.
He worked hard and prospered. He had a good life and sent
for his father to join him.

His father looked like a religious Jew. The son decided he'd
be happier if his appearance were more that of a native Texan.
So, he brought him into a barbershop and had his beard shaved
off. He then had him fitted with a tall Texan hat.

After all that, he noticed his father was crying. When his son
asked why, his dad relied, "I'm crying because we lost the Alamo".

Formerly WidowerfromCanada...I am engaged to a wonderful Peruviana.

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rocinante says on Oct 10, 2005, 19:35:

Since we left off on Jewish jokes.... What did the Jewish father say when his son asked to borrow $100 dollars?

"$90 dollars? Where do you think I'm gonna get $80 dollars? You must be crazy if you think I have $70 dollars just laying around"

"World economic indicators point to a democrat winning 2008. It will surely be Obama. Peso 1400 by November" Feb 5, 2008

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