Looking for advice - please no flames

Tinto (Moderator) says on Dec 23, 2005, 16:26:

Who do the three girls live with now? Are they orphans?

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poco says on Dec 23, 2005, 16:44:

What age Sending money without stated goals allows the recipient to sit on their ass, watch TV and live the life of the rich and famous… I JOKE NOT,,, I’ve seen it,,, ON THEIR ASS.

Supervision is required. Don’t check and VERIFY,,, well,, then you’ve created a life time “dependent”. Hell, you might send enough and the recepient can afford a MAID,,,, think not,, I've seen it.

Kids,, what a dumb lot, took one year until he suddenly realized I wasn’t kidding,, no better grades, bad comments on his report card, hang out of the street late, no study,, THEN NO MONEY and that is NOT ENOUGH,, he looses privileges,,, no Computer, internet, no phone, no X-box, no games, no Walkman, NO ipod,,, the list goes on and if he does NOT perform things get taken away one by one until his only diversion is watching the paint peal.

This has worked pretty well because I DO IT,,, hell,, his mother gives in tooooo easy.

Age is important,, the kid I’m talking about was 14 when I first came to Colombia,, he graduates from High School next year.

"When you men get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy." Quote - General Tommy Franks

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rocinante says on Dec 23, 2005, 16:48:

complete story please? lots of holes - despite that you write, "The trouble is my wife has opened my eyes to the fact that if we took her from her family, she would miss them and they would miss her."

Your wife is King Solomon. Why come here for advice when it seems that sound advice is sitting right next to you? If you're looking for a dissent to persuade your wife otherwise you won't find it from me.

Right now this child has a family or family figures - to take that away is not healthy for anyone. I don't know the exact situation but there is a tendency in human nature to believe that people less fortunate are automatically less happy.

I think you have a big heart but maybe you are using this child to fill a void? Slightly selfish perhaps? Only you and your wife will know for sure.

Good luck and please look at the situation as an outsider.

"World economic indicators point to a democrat winning 2008. It will surely be Obama. Not that the US president actually runs the US." Feb 5, 2008

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utopiacowboy says on Dec 23, 2005, 17:16:

In the absence of more details explaining the entire situation, I agree with Rocinante.

Disclaimer: any comment I make is inane and is not to be taken seriously, and is so patently ridiculous that no one should take it seriously, even as an insult.

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BobAbooey says on Dec 23, 2005, 19:12:

more details I will give exacting details if wanted/needed but i figured they may not be pertinant. if you give me just a few days i can post very detailed information...i am caught up with the holidays momentarily.
Thank you very much for your opinions so far.

Un carácter del hombre se puede encontrar en cómo él trata a personas que no pueden hacer nada para él.

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bufalo says on Dec 23, 2005, 21:05:

I agree with most of these posts, what you say is vauge and we don´t know the whole situation. First of all do these kids really need your "saving". I mean, you might feel they do, but maybe they are just happy where they are right now. I mean money can help out almost anyone, but taking them out of Colombia to whereever you are? Maybe they do need it, I don´t know. I just hope it´s not like when the missionaries decide to "save" the indigenous and end up screwing them up. If they do need it, good for you for helping out.
Like one poster said, check out to make sure they are putting the money to good use, I´ve seen a lot of people who send money get burned.
I doubt it, but I also thought that this might not be serious. The vagueness, way it was written, and your name is Bababooey? Like from the Stern show?

"If you don't like it - lump it, take it down the road and dump it." - Archie Bunker played by Carroll O'Connor

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Allia says on Dec 24, 2005, 07:22:

YOU BIG KID First of all is not just about what YOU want or the way YOU feel, your thread makes no sence, the sence it makes to me is that you saw a cute little girl and now you want to take her home, is like when a kid goes to the zoo and wants to take home a little lion becuse he thinks is so cute.
Same thing with you becouse all you have wroted is about what YOU want.
First of all who is this girl, is she orphan, how old is she, what conditions of live does she have and MOST IMPORTANT what does she think of YOU.
Till you can't answer this questions you are nothing but a vicious obsessed KID.

My suggestion to you is GET OVER IT!

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Lowell says on Dec 24, 2005, 07:25:

I have to agree too I moved my wife (girlfriend at the time) from Colombia to Panama. Even with 2 calls a week, I could still see that there was a void that I couldn't fill. She was with me for 2 1/2 years before we moved to Colombia. It's going to be easier for me to adapt in Colombia than it is for her to be happy in Panama. We're living with the family now and it's very hard to accept or even understand many of their habits and behavior. It’s so foolish,destructive and counterproductive. After the first of the year I need to find a place for us to live in the same Barrio. My wife is much happier now that she with her family on a daily basis. Hoever, she sees the need for us to live separately.

Seeing the negative affect by removing my wife from her family and child, it’s my belief that removing a child/children from their families is an easy invitation for disaster.

I too was sending some money each month and didn't know how it was being used. Since being in Colombia, I've identified much waste and made changes. One thing I really don’t understand, is the lack of care and maintenance of possessions. They don’t even take care of perfectly good left over food. These people were just a step above poverty before I came into the picture. I always wondered why all their things were mostly junk. It’s been going on way before I came into their lives. I flat out told them that I don’t replace things that are broken due to lack of proper care, maintenance or flat out laziness. I’ve also cut back on the amount and type of food that I buy. When we do move out, I’ll be providing a certain allotment of food each week, which will be a little more than what is needed. If they blow it, it’s their fault. Don’t come to my house for a free meal. I’m sticking to my statement. I have possessions that I’ve cared for over 40 years. They’re in near new condition. I’ve been poor and homeless before. The more poor I get, the better I take of things. Not them.

The kids (my wife's son and sisters daughter) had/have behavior problems. More so the daughter. Discipline like a time out or the removal of toys was never well adhered too and was normally not followed through to completion. My wife’s sister prefers the lazy approach of yelling a lot and spanking her child often. When my wife is tired and frustrated she does the same. I’m more effective by siting them down in front of me, giving them a good scolding and it’s off to the room for a while. Depending on the seriousness of the problem, depriving them of a toy or two. My wife sees how well that works and is gradually changing. Her dense sister is still the same. Another reason I need to live away from the families residence. I so hate the yelling, screaming, violence and crying. I’m also working with the kids to stop hitting each other, including neighbors. Stemming the propensity for violence, anti social behavior, creating respect for others...., in Colombians has to start with the children.

LWA

Alfred E. Newman. "What. Me Worry?"

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Allia says on Dec 24, 2005, 07:29:

YOU BIG KID First of all is not just about what YOU want or the way YOU feel, your thread makes no sence, the sence it makes to me is that you saw a cute little girl and now you want to take her home, is like when a kid goes to the zoo and wants to take home a little lion becuse he thinks is so cute.
Same thing with you becouse all you have wroted is about what YOU want.
First of all who is this girl, is she orphan, how old is she, what conditions of live does she have and MOST IMPORTANT what does she think of YOU.
Till you can't answer this questions you are nothing but a vicious obsessed KID.
My suggestion to you is GET OVER IT!

Also don't be so sure that a Colombian dreams with The materialized world of AMERICANS.

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silviat says on Dec 24, 2005, 09:47:

.... why some of you have to just jump and attack all the time? Wether you agree with this man's ideas or not, he seems to have a very good purpose. He wants to try to do good for those kids lifes.

All he is asking for is an advice... if you don't agree with his way to see the situation that still isnt enough reason to call him big kid and stuff like that.

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Allia says on Dec 24, 2005, 10:51:

ALSO You said you really like this little girl,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WITH THAT ??????
There are many ways of liking someone, what is YOUR WAY ?
If is the one i am thinking well let me tell you something, LIVE LITTLE KIDS ALONE !!!!!!
Dosen't your wife pleases your desires

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poco says on Dec 24, 2005, 10:59:

LOWELL IS SPOT ON THE MONEY Most Colombians (ie: the poorer 70% for sure) do NOT take care of possessions. Frankly I believe they could destroy a rock.

Amazing,, even if they BUY an item they fail to care for it properly.

I’ve talked with owners of hardware stores,,, they TRY to tell their clients how to take care of tools,,, my opinion,, this is pissing in the wind for the vast majority. LOAN an item in Colombia,,, don't count on getting it back in the same condition.

For sure,, no replacements unless normal wear and tear,, NORMAL FOR ME.

Children,,, ha,, ha,, no discipline as far as I can tell,,, whacking them is a waste of time,, Colombia or U.S.

They would blast the stereo ALL DAY and you could hear it for blocks if they thought it wouldn’t be taken away,,, PERMANENTLY….

As for the attacks,, well,, not much information,, but living here will open your eyes to the damage one can do unknowingly and with very little money and believing they have a good heart,,,, Ha,,, liked the comment about the missionaries !!!! how true….

"When you men get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy." Quote - General Tommy Franks

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utopiacowboy says on Dec 24, 2005, 11:54:

It's interesting hearing these comments about how colombians don't take care of things. This is one of my wife's biggest gripes, when people do not take care of their belongings. She always takes impeccable care of everything she owns and instills the same value in her children. As far as I can tell they do a better job than my own children.

Disclaimer: any comment I make is inane and is not to be taken seriously, and is so patently ridiculous that no one should take it seriously, even as an insult.

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poco says on Dec 24, 2005, 12:35:

UC Ask you wife the percentage
of Colombians who understand how to care of their possessions. I’d bet it will be less than 50%.

From your posts it is assumed your wife is University Educated and has passed her values on to her kids. Maybe osmosis is a better term.

Last Christmas I thought of buying a doll for a sisters daughter. I was advised not to do it,, she would more than likely destroy it in a few days,, something about she would probably have its head off in a few days. Clothes were a better solution.

Acquiring a “thing” and having the money to properly maintain that thing is another problem. A moto is a good example,, if there is a limited amount of money and the decision is between buying beer or changing the oil,, the oil can come later.

So,, sending unsupervised money is a mistake. Buying items that require maintenance will likely end in disappointment.

Personally,, I’d make it mandatory to kid/s go to school,, and IF the report cards are EXCELLENT then make it understood you might consider a continuation, semester by semester,, fail to perform,, NO MONEY…

Taking a kid away from parents,,, hummm,, still don’t know age,,, anyhow in 99% of the cases,, not a good idea. Who knows,, probably all cases.

"When you men get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy." Quote - General Tommy Franks

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Save the Wildcats says on Dec 24, 2005, 14:05:

I think... we need more information. First you said that you'd take her sisters too, if that were the only way, but then you mentioned that your dream is to have them all come live with you.

I have an 11 year old friend too, that I'd like to adopt if I had the chance, but he is so much better off in his own culture with his own mother and sister. He's happy! I wouldn't do that to his mom even though I love him dearly.

I agree with the ideas above about making sure your friend has an education and trying to help her. I think that'd probably be the best idea.

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Lucia Rojas says on Dec 25, 2005, 09:16:

I agree with Lowell... it has to start with the children. All the violence and agresiveness starts there. Many, many colombian children are beaten by their parents whenever they do something wrong... it is an waful way to sole a problem... I'm glad to see you are trying to teach through example ssome alternative ways of discipline.

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Save the Wildcats says on Dec 25, 2005, 11:07:

PS and the answer to your last question is No. The process of adoption cannot be sped along with extra cash.

Good luck!

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bufalo says on Dec 26, 2005, 18:24:

Everytime my wife talks about buying some kid from her family a toy or whatever, I always ask myself "what the hell for?" I know it´ll only be broken or stolen due to irresponsable behavior within a week. We have all our stuff at her dad´s house (Armenia) since we´re on vacation in Leticia (freaking hot) and I don´t even want to think about the care my suitcases are under now. I see taking care of things in Colombia like I see family values here too. When they exist, there very, very strong, but I don´t see them too often.

"If you don't like it - lump it, take it down the road and dump it." - Archie Bunker played by Carroll O'Connor

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caslug says on Dec 26, 2005, 18:57:

toys are toys..what to take care? I did notice that a while back i gave my amiga's 3 yr old a cool doll. less than a month later she lost it, somewhere on the bus or park or somewhere. I blame the mother(my amiga), my amiga when she takes her daughter out, she generally doesnt take along a backpack to but her daughters stuff in. Kids being kids get tire of caring stuff and will leave it or forget about it.

I notice this happens most of the times, i guess because they take buses or metro she doesnt want to lug stuff around. Which causes problem because when her daughter gets bored and doesnt have any toys to play with she throws a huge temper tantrum in public!. I notice here in the US when my friends or family take their small kids out, they always carry tote bags of stuff that has extra clothes, toys, etc., When i asked my friend why she doesnt use a backpack, she said she doesnt like to because then she has to carry her purse and wear a backpack!

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BobAbooey says on Feb 7, 2006, 19:28:

WOW..ready for a paradigm shift? I actually wrote quite a long response. Then I erased it. I figure what is the point? It seems there is a lot of anger, ignorance, and acusations.
You know nothing about me.
Please try to relax, the projected anger will literally kill you.
YOU probably know who I mean.

Un carácter del hombre se puede encontrar en cómo él trata a personas que no pueden hacer nada para él.

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