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lonely nomads

has anyone ever felt completely alone?
not too long ago i was in Leon, nicaragua, staying in a hostal, that was near empty.
i would get up at 1 in the afternoon, eat some cereal, go have a shower, then walk around aimlessly, hoping to find something, even if it was trouble, maybe i would go to the cinema, but after seeing all three films twice i couldnt manage another night alone at the cinema, i would go on the internet everyday and read new emails, people asking what i was doing bla bla bla, i would never replie, becuase the truth was that i hadnt done anything, i was pathetic, depressed, entirly alone.
i wanted to leave, but the truth was i was afraid, Leon became my comfort zone, i had travelled north to honduras alone before, but i had to come back to finish the second part of an expedition, but when that finished the other volenteers left, and i decided to stay and travel.
so there i was, alone again, i didnt want to head north, it would get too expensive espeically if i made it to mexico. and if i was to go south i would have to go through managua, a place that scared the shit out of me, becuase my first day i arrived in central america was in managua, and for some reason it had been transformed into a place of desperation in my mind, no thanks to a peace corp volenteer in the village, who told me about the severe violence among young gangs and at the time hardly knowing any spanish, no friends, nothing but a foriegn land, i couldnt see the point on leaving Leon, i would hope that someone would arrive at the hostal everday, and couldnt imagine another trip, reading my giudebook hoping for inspiration, but after the last trip to honduras i didnt see the point, i wasnt interested in anything, i didnt want to go home, i couldnt explain how i felt, just alone. i hadnt had any from of communication with my family, despite there numerous emails, i didnt respond, and day after day, it got harder, and harder, to think of what to write, they just seemed so alien, the idea of going back to the UK seemed ludacris.
after crying myself to sleep for a couple of weeks, feeling really pathetic, lining up paracetamol on my bed contimplating suicide. i had finally decided to leave my strong hold, and go to granada, south of managua
my nerves were not made any easier when we were approaching managua, as everyone started to take off their jewallary.
anyway after dragging my bags 10 quadras due to the bus breaking down i made it to a make shift bus station, where i found my a savour, in the form of a bus to granada.
Well, its probably one of the best moments of my life, i made it, and the hostal there was full of all kinds of travellers, after about three hours of panic, thinking that i wasnt going to make any friends, becuase i was so depressed. i sat down at a table, were my next savour came to me, in the form of mark, strange guy, with a rank beard and acne, but he introduced me to almost everyone in the hostal, and the person who would convince me to go to colombia, partly due to my pathalogical lying aswell, as i told everyone i was going to cross the darien gap, which was a believable story, since i had all the equipment, but not the balls. it went well and made some interesting friends along the way(except we took a plane from panama city instead of the boat to turbo or crossing the darien gap), i made a pilgramige to a land i thought i would never have the balls to go to. and i love it so much that i am going back this monday after working my ass off for 6 months.

i think i wrote this more for me, but if theres someone else out there who is travelling in a downwards spiral of depression, just keep going until your optimism is sparked by whatever, you never know where youll end up or the people you will leave behind.
if anyone took time to read this, i salute you for your interest. thanks

By (Deleted user) on Jan 11, 2005, 11:35 in Friendly Talkzone.

miamimike says on Jan 11, 2005, 11:55:

Good Post Don Negro Don Negro-that is what makes traveling fun for me-the Unknown and the people you may meet!

"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? That's interesting. I hadn't heard that." -- Feb. 28, 2008 --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C.

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ARMacleod says on Jan 11, 2005, 12:26:

Strange. In that post you sounded like a normal human being. If you can keep it up I wish you the best in your future travels.

Being of unsound mind and dubious disposition, I cannot be held legally liable for any indiscretions. ¡El diablo me hizo lo hago! But don't worry, be happy.

The brain is like a parachute, it only functions correctly when it is open. Pax vobiscum.

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ARMacleod says on Jan 11, 2005, 13:01:

Social Humanity! I know exactly where you are coming from. I think that editing some of your thoughts and ideas before you put them on paper may do a lot of good.

The choice of words to convey a message and perhaps total omission of the things which you know will wind people up. I think it's called diplomacy. The general message can be got across nonetheless.

"We are all human" yes, just as all snakes are snakes, but some of then bite.

It may not make you friends, but, I am sure it will make you a many less enemies. Who needs enemies?

Being of unsound mind and dubious disposition, I cannot be held legally liable for any indiscretions. ¡El diablo me hizo lo hago! But don't worry, be happy.

The brain is like a parachute, it only functions correctly when it is open. Pax vobiscum.

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Neonovo says on Jan 11, 2005, 13:12:

Mr Lonely The description of your emotional state remainded me of how scared and lonely Rodney Dangerfield felt during a particularly difficult time in his life.

In his own words, he never felt more "alone" and scared as he felt during his first sexual experience. ;)

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utopiacowboy says on Jan 11, 2005, 13:25:

Wow, I had my first experience last week and it felt great. Elmo was right about tying the legs together.

Disclaimer: any comment I make is inane and is not to be taken seriously, and is so patently ridiculous that no one should take it seriously, even as an insult.

Disclaimer: any comment I make is inane and is not to be taken seriously, and is so patently ridiculous that no one should take it seriously, even as an insult.

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Sonny says on Jan 11, 2005, 14:42:

Interesting Sometimes things change. Remember this
Yesterday is History
Tomorrow is the future
Today is the present
That is why it's called a gift.
Hang in there guy. You sould different now and anything different is good.

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ReinaDeLa Baile says on Jan 11, 2005, 15:16:

what honesty Don Negro: You should write an essay and send it off to be published somewhere.

I know exactly that feeling you wrote about and I had totally forgotten it. If I had not read your essay above I doubt I would have conjured it up again. ever.

I was 18. In Paris, France for the first time. People were rude, it was cold, I had no friends, very little money,despite years of french classes I could not understand a word, felt lonely, and was unsure how to break through.

I alternated between sleeping and eating. It was pathetic. I dared not tell the truth to my family, They were busy pluggin me for news of my cosmopolitan exploits. ugh.

That was 20 years ago, and you brought me back to the cold chilly rainy grey afternoons when I was depressed and then judged myself poorly for being sad when others were dreaming of my life, and they would never have it. I also remember being scared sometimes by freaky men and not knowing where to walk for help when being harrassed.

All this because you are such a good writer.

Remember that writing from the heart is the best writing, the kind we pay for. Keep it up! I commend you for sharing your ordeal.

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cremaster says on Jan 11, 2005, 15:32:

Utopia I hope to have MY first experience soon. I might have to go to Cali, though.

But, I have one question for you. Is it your own legs you tie together, or hers (or the burros)???

Patrick

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ReinaDeLa Baile says on Jan 11, 2005, 15:39:

whose legs, page 543 Dear Patrick:

"I say alternate between whose legs you tie, Cremaster. MWF - tie hers, TuThSat, tie yours. On Sunday take a break and review all the films you taped during the week."

Before you go thinking that I am some nasty lady, please may I kindly remind you that this is taken ver batem from page 543 of "Burro Love on Old McDonald's Farm", by Elmodofoque Sonmanbiche The Third.

Ask Utopia if you think I am pulling your leg, I mean tying your leg, I mean............

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lpdiver says on Jan 11, 2005, 17:21:

True human contact Does not come from surrounding yourself with people. It comes from sharing with them. I find such joy in speaking and trying to communicate with people when I am traveling and have made many world wide friends.
As I stated in another thread I alway have my electronic translator, favorite small paper back spanish/english dictionary, small spiral note book, and pencil or pen.

Communication comes from the will to communicate not from vocabulary. I have had more poor "ignorant" people bend over backwards to help this stupid gringo because I asked and treated with respect.

My lonliest moments are always airplanes. Airplanes and airports deliver such misery and joy. I love them and hate them equally.

"cook some rice!"

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Mr. Hollywood says on Jan 11, 2005, 18:15:

A breath of fresh air Wow, Don Negro, I like your authentic self much better.

I've had similar experiences a couple times. The worst was when I was 21, fresh out of college, broken up with my long-time sweetheart. I decided to drive through Mexico, surfing my way down the Pacific coast. I was having a great time when suddenly everything changed. People started to scare me, I thought all their motives were suspect. Two Mexicanos invited me to their "Uncle's" restaurant for some beers and food, clearly inviting me, and then stuck me with the bill. One of them got totally drunk and scary, which made me hop in my car and drive up the coast to the next town because I literally wanted to be nowhere near these people.

The next day I woke up with a splitting headache which turned out to be the beginnings of malaria. The the next 10 days I subsisted on nothing but mangos and water, sweating out the fevers and reading "Name of the Rose" by Humberto Ecco in a hammock by day, and under a ceiling fan by night. It was one of the loneliest times of my life, stinted only by visits from a pretty large rogue iguana who would mysteriously appear out of the toilet and run around the room only to disappear by the same disgusting route.

I finally got to a doctor who treated me, and the trip continued, but all I could think of was getting to my ex-girlfriend, with whom I'd sort of reunited the night before leaving for this trip and who had told me she wanted us to make it work.

I drove 48 hours through a Sonoran desert heatwave imagining falling into the comfort of my beautiful green-eyed gringa. I pulled into town only to be informed that she had a new, Brazilian, boyfriend, and really wanted to "give it a chance".

Welcome home.

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Mr. Hollywood says on Jan 11, 2005, 18:44:

Y tu mama Have you seen "Y tu mama tambien?

It's depressing yet hilarious. One of my favs.

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Lauthra says on Jan 11, 2005, 21:07:

Nice melancholy... I haven't been traveling much but it did bring me back to the saddest period in my life, when I was 14 and 2 of my best friends moved to the U.S. and the one left was transfered to the other 8th grade, I became a misfit and have been one since... I'm glad you got saved :)

Nato ;)

Nato (='.'=)

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Miguel says on Jan 11, 2005, 22:45:

Good stuff don negro Reminded me of how I felt landing in Managua as a volunteer after the great earthquake; the city in shambles, the ex-president Somoza pulling the puppet strings of the sitting president, general chaos, etc.

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elmodefoque says on Jan 12, 2005, 06:06:

Don Negro, that was a real nice posting, enjoyed it all the way thru. Keep them coming.

ASK NOT WHAT THE PUSSY CAN DO FOR YOU, BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THAT PUSSY!!!!!!!!!! CAT LOVER

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ReinaDeLa Baile says on Jan 12, 2005, 11:38:

wow Don you are a hottie! I just clicked on your new photo link. Very cute I must say. If I were not loving being monogamous with my ANCIENT 33 y.o. hombre by night and with Elmo in the office every Monday thr Friday (oops!), I would hunt you down and ... just kidding!

May I add....

1. It is very refreshing to read the real you.

2. Infinitely more enjoyable; congratulations! You are BRAVE.

3. More kudos on your bravery.

4. Buy the following and start a new life as the writer that you are:

a. The Courage To Write - Ralph Keys

b. Wild Mind - Natalie Goldberg

c. Bird by Bird - Anne Lamotte

You have a gift here. Stated simply most of us suck at writing because we try too hard: we write of what we do not know, we use big words, we are essentially dishonnest writers raping the reader like a burro. so we suck.

You, on the other hand, are honnest, painfully so - that is from whence flows the best of all writing. Your reader does not even think of fleeing - he/she is captivated by your pain. You win - you lured us in. Keep going. NO PARES PAPI!!! ;)

Seriously, I think that you could have a huge international audience of men in your age group, as well as guys who've been through this phase and some old biddies like me with a soft spot for miserable moody geniuses and the like.

Un besito enorme a ti -- welcome to the forum - welcome to the real you, the man.

ciaoito y besitos!
-- reina

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oldbongo says on Jan 12, 2005, 11:49:

everyone is so sweet this week.. que paso???

but the oldgringo thinks that the cowboy
wasted his first experience,...if he did it
with a burra...it has to be a burro...aviso cremaster.

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ReinaDeLa Baile says on Jan 12, 2005, 11:53:

old gringo yo se lo que paso .... todos de nosotros hemos hecho takitaki cada noche y nos quitamos todo el rancor con el amor. tambien nos dando cuenta que el pobrecito ese sufre de ser malafortunado en el amor, nos da mas patienzia y tratamos de llevarolo bien con el.

estoy de acuerdo con el Yacht Ball - can we have it in Spain at the Royal Yacht Club of Mallorca? Does it have to be in Colombia?

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oldbongo says on Jan 12, 2005, 12:07:

we can have another one..or two. as long as someone helps me to rent the canoe.

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elmodefoque says on Jan 12, 2005, 12:13:

why is this getting good just when i gotta go home? we should continue this tomorrow, i don't want to miss anything. please be considerate.

ASK NOT WHAT THE PUSSY CAN DO FOR YOU, BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THAT PUSSY!!!!!!!!!! CAT LOVER

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oldbongo says on Jan 12, 2005, 12:14:

elmo.. you gotta try texada timewarp...
you'll always be in the know.

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Albatross says on Jan 13, 2005, 08:55:

“Democracy - a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance." - H.L. Mencken

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ReinaDeLa Baile says on Jan 13, 2005, 10:32:

don, elmo & OG Elmo - don't worry, OG is taping the whole thing for you.

OG - Can you shine a little less light on my trasero please.

Don - I have tried to upload a photo many times and it always says that my photo is TOO BIG. Get that! Anyway, I am 40 so I hate to tell you that if it went down you would be like strung out and recuperating for days. Watch out for the old broads! Especially dance teachers. besitos, cuidate - I am going away soon for three weeks, maybe with no internet available, so please think of me while I am gone. cuidate tambien!!

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