joke of the day

poco says on Sep 14, 2007, 08:05:

Telephone Problem

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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LA_MONA says on Sep 14, 2007, 08:15:

"Llega un man bien borracho por la madrugada a su casa. La mujer lo ve y le dice: ¿Qué? y él: ¡Qué de qué! la mujer: ¿cómo que qué de qué! y él: ¡qué de qué de qué! y ella: ¡qué de qué de qué de qué! y él: ¡qué de qué de qué de qué de qué! ella: ¡Bueno, pues que de dónde venís! y él: no! no! no! no me cambie el tema!"

"Estaban dos tipos en el desierto por dos semanas perdidos y le dice el uno al otro: 'Antes de morirnos tenemos que tener relaciones...' y se ponen de acuerdo: Empieza uno y listo terminó; luego viene el otro y le empieza a besar el cuellito, a tocarle las pompis y le dice el otro: ¡Sin maricaditas, sin maricaditas'"

"Le dice un caleño a su esposa: Mi amor, esta noche voy a hacer el amor a lo afónico. La mujer le dice: - ¿Cómo así? - Sí mujer, sin vos"

Para volar, es preciso tener resistencia. -M.Lin

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Man Tequila says on Sep 14, 2007, 09:13:

Jeje. What's a "maricadita"?

Aunque no me creas/ si me lo propongo/ lograre olvidarte/ porque a fin de cuentas/ no soy tan cobarde./ Y termino todo una de estas tardes/ no sera dificil buscar algún sitio donde refugiarme/ donde nunca mas vuelvas a encontrarme. (Polo Montañez)

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capitan_centella says on Sep 14, 2007, 09:24:

Una niña llega a la droguería y le pregunta al señor:

- Señor, señooor ¡ ¡
- qué necesita?
- Señor, me puede vender ancticonceptivos?
- Y para qué quieres anticonceptivos?
- Es que no quiero tener mas MUÑECAS¡

* * * * *

Chiste cruel:

La monja en el convento. . .

- Niñas, niñas. .. por favor tomen asiento. Que es lo único que tomarán hoy.

* * * * *

Cúantos sicólogos se necesitan para cambiar un bombillo?

- Eso depende, si el bombillo quiere cambiar o no.

"When you open your eyes, you turn around with the world, But it can change, if you only close it, and see a dream to yourself." Me.

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capitan_centella says on Sep 14, 2007, 09:27:

Man tequila maricadita can be translated as: "no monkey bussines" . . . ( I think. . . ;-)

"When you open your eyes, you turn around with the world, But it can change, if you only close it, and see a dream to yourself." Me.

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capitan_centella says on Sep 14, 2007, 09:29:

Una mujer confesándose:

- Padre, padre. . . será que puedo tener relaciones exuales antes del matrimonio?
* Hija, desde que no interrumpa la ceremonia.

* * * *
Una mujer en el médico:

- Doctor, doctor. . . será que me puedo bañar con diarrea?
* Si le alcanza, no veo el problema.

"When you open your eyes, you turn around with the world, But it can change, if you only close it, and see a dream to yourself." Me.

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Man Tequila says on Sep 14, 2007, 09:31:

A woman out shopping sees a counter marked "Sex Frogs," and goes to check it out. She asks the man behind the counter, "What's this?"

He replies, "Oh these are going very well. You buy a frog and take it home in a box, and when you are ready for bed, you put the frog on your pillow, and we guarantee that you will have the best night ever."

The woman whispers to him, "Okay then, I'll take one."

He puts a frog into a box, and points out the label with the instructions. "If you have any problems, there is a help line phone number on the box."

That night, she gets ready for bed, puts the frog on her pillow, and gets into bed. Nothing happens.

She feels so disappointed that she gets up and checks the box. It says: In case of any complaint, please phone this number." She phones the number and 10 minutes later, a man appears at her door.

"Show me where the frog is," he says.

She takes him upstairs and points to the frog, still sitting on her pillow. The man picks up the frog and says, "Okay, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."

Aunque no me creas/ si me lo propongo/ lograre olvidarte/ porque a fin de cuentas/ no soy tan cobarde./ Y termino todo una de estas tardes/ no sera dificil buscar algún sitio donde refugiarme/ donde nunca mas vuelvas a encontrarme. (Polo Montañez)

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Miguel says on Sep 14, 2007, 09:39:

¿En que se parece el VIAGRA a DISNEYLANDIA?

En que debes esperar dos horas para una diversión de dos minutos.

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poco says on Sep 14, 2007, 10:02:

SOCIALISM - You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM - You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM - You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM - You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM - You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM - You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION - You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION - You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION - You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION - You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION - You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION - Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION - You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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Colombiche says on Sep 14, 2007, 10:31:

Una muchacha llega a confesarse:

Padre, confieso que tuve relacciones sexuales con el padre de la parroquia vecina.

Padre: me parece el colmo hija mia, su parroquia es esta!

No me den trago extranjero, que es caro y no sabe a bueno.... (Rafael Godoy)

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Colombiche says on Sep 14, 2007, 10:36:

Una pareja de viejitos en una misa de sanacion. Dice el padre:

Ahora, pongan una mano sobre la parte de su cuerpo que este enferma, y rezaremos para que Jesus por su infinita gracia la cure.

Entonces el viejito se pone la mano en el pipi y la viejita le dice:

"Viejo pendejo, estamos sanando enfermos, no resucitando muertos"

No me den trago extranjero, que es caro y no sabe a bueno.... (Rafael Godoy)

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Colombiche says on Sep 14, 2007, 10:44:

Va una vieja de 600 libras caminando por la calle y vienen dos borrachitos.

Borrachito (le dice al otro): Uy hermano, mire ese tanque

La vieja: Tanque su abuela borracho triple hijuepu*a

Borrachito: Y es de guerra!!!

No me den trago extranjero, que es caro y no sabe a bueno.... (Rafael Godoy)

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Colombiche says on Sep 14, 2007, 10:45:

Llega un borracho a la casa y le grita a la esposa:

"preparese mija, esta noche son 6 polvos seguidos".

Esposa - porque viene muy ardiente?
borracho - No, vengo con 5 amigos y perdi una apuesta.

No me den trago extranjero, que es caro y no sabe a bueno.... (Rafael Godoy)

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Simon says on Sep 14, 2007, 11:02:

Un día Pepito le dice llorando a su papá:

"Papá, Papá!! Mi mamá me va a vender!!

"Por qué dices eso mijo"? -contesta el padre.

"Porque ayer cuando no estabas, escuché que mamá le gritaba al cartero, "Deme más por el chiquito! Deme más por el chiquito!!"

HERE'S SIMON!!!!

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Colombiche says on Sep 14, 2007, 11:06:

JA JA JA JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

No me den trago extranjero, que es caro y no sabe a bueno.... (Rafael Godoy)

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campbell says on Sep 14, 2007, 12:09:

Why doesn't mexico have an olympic team?


Its because all of the good runners, jumpers and swimmers are already in the Uninted States

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elmodefoque says on Sep 14, 2007, 12:30:

what do you get when you cross a lazy hillbillie and a dog?

i don't remember, gotta go home!!

I'll tell ya monday!

over 5 million colombianos in USA and only 27 barranquilleros, i'm one. CURRAMBA, EL MEJOR VIVIDERO DEL MUNDO!

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Man Tequila says on Sep 14, 2007, 12:38:

A German Shepherd dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.
“But, the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.


Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother! The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.


Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?. The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back "Okay, now what?"

Aunque no me creas/ si me lo propongo/ lograre olvidarte/ porque a fin de cuentas/ no soy tan cobarde./ Y termino todo una de estas tardes/ no sera dificil buscar algún sitio donde refugiarme/ donde nunca mas vuelvas a encontrarme. (Polo Montañez)

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Colombiche says on Sep 14, 2007, 12:52:

Pump kin, I like that one!

No me den trago extranjero, que es caro y no sabe a bueno.... (Rafael Godoy)

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poco says on Sep 14, 2007, 16:50:

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.

No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head NO again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the womans butt crack. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breath again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says in admiraton, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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johann911 says on Sep 14, 2007, 18:55:

a man is walking home, struggling to carry a bucket and an anvil, a couple of chickens, and a goose. an old lady walks up to him and asks, " can you tell me the way to mockingbird lane?" " i'm headed that way", the man says. " i'd walk you , but i can't carry all this."
" why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in the other hand?" suggests the old lady.
" why thank you very much," he says.
on the way to mocking bird lane, the man suggests a shortcut down a dark alley.
the little old lady say cautiously," how do i know you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"
the man says, " holy smokes lady! i'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose, how could i possibly do that too?"
"set down the goose, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and i'll hold the chickens."

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El Polo says on Sep 15, 2007, 06:54:

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell to sleep. When he awoke he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long
flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Bryan, "and what
are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Bryan was stunned "You mean I'm dead?!!! That can't be! I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send
me back straight away".

St Peter replied, "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. 
We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Bryan was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

In a flash of light, he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Bryan, "but I have this strange feeling
inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?"
"Never" replies Bryan "Well just relax and let it happen" He did, and
after a few uncomfortable seconds, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the
better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he
laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he
knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous SMACK! on the back of his head. He heard his wife
screaming,
"Bryan!! Wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed!!!"

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pedro says on Sep 17, 2007, 00:14:

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006 ..

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,

"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent,

"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch paint brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

que nota!

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goin_south says on Sep 17, 2007, 00:27:

I think you been drinkin 2 much Ron Caldas ;)

Some say: All things are better in...Medellin! ....Oscar Lopez just says it's better.....LATE!!! (WHERE EVER YOU ARE)

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scotty says on Sep 17, 2007, 02:01:

A very short fairy tale:

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl " will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!". And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf and drank alot of beer and farted whenever he wanted. THE END

Get Rhythm, when you got the blues. Johnny Cash

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scotty says on Sep 17, 2007, 02:12:

The Shy Gringo:

A very shy gringo is in a bar in Bogota, he sees a beautiful Colombiana sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks"Um ah would you mind if i chatted with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs "No, I wont sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally the gringo is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and appologizes. She smiles at him and says "Im sorry if i embarrassed you. You see Im a graduate student in psycology and Im studying how the typical gringo responds to a rejection here in Colombia".

The gringo responds at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

Get Rhythm, when you got the blues. Johnny Cash

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scotty says on Sep 17, 2007, 02:17:

What are the 3 rings of marriage?

1. Engagement ring
2. Wedding ring
3. Suffering

Get Rhythm, when you got the blues. Johnny Cash

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campbell says on Sep 21, 2007, 16:23:

why does laura bush prefer the missionary position? it is because george bush is always fucking up

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goin_south says on Sep 22, 2007, 04:38:

I thought missionaries were always on top
...and, why do they call it the missionary position, anyway???

Some say: All things are better in...Medellin! ....Oscar Lopez just says it's better.....LATE!!! (WHERE EVER YOU ARE)

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campbell says on Sep 22, 2007, 13:30:

no se

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campbell says on Sep 25, 2007, 00:40:

buen pregunta

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campbell says on Sep 25, 2007, 20:51:

i prefer doggy style

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campbell says on Sep 25, 2007, 20:51:

or the jackhammer

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goin_south says on Sep 25, 2007, 23:41:

'the jackhammer'? is that a position? or, a technique?

Some say: All things are better in...Medellin! ....Oscar Lopez just says it's better.....LATE!!! (WHERE EVER YOU ARE)

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campbell says on Sep 26, 2007, 00:46:

its a position, but it takes some technique

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elmodefoque says on Sep 26, 2007, 10:25:

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he
couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

over 5 million colombianos in USA and only 27 barranquilleros, i'm one. CURRAMBA, EL MEJOR VIVIDERO DEL MUNDO!

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elmodefoque says on Sep 26, 2007, 10:32:

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian warparty.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone
Ranger.

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three
days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman
on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill
you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is
brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than
the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the
night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you
tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen carefully, for the last time, I said "BRING POSSE."

over 5 million colombianos in USA and only 27 barranquilleros, i'm one. CURRAMBA, EL MEJOR VIVIDERO DEL MUNDO!

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