How do Colombianos dealing pregnancy?

platano says on May 18, 2005, 19:01:

As a gringa you might remember a song that goes like this.... If you're down, and confused
And you don't remember, who you're talkin' to
Concentration slips away
'Cause your baby is so far away

And there's a rose, in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies, with the dove
And if you can't be, with the one you love
Love the one you're with

Don't be angry, don't be sad
Don't sit cryin' over good times you had
There's a girl, right next to you
And she's just waitin', for something to do

Turn your heartache right into joy
She's a girl, and you're a boy
So get it together, make it nice
You ain't gonna need, any more advice

Plátano, el banano verde
Oxigeno Verde ¡Libertad por Ingrid y los demás!

plátano

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joyzers says on May 18, 2005, 19:06:

Yeah, I remember it! Well, they definitely figured out how to "get together" and he didn't need my advice then, did he?

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BxUnika says on May 18, 2005, 19:30:

What You May Not Want to Hear I'll say it anyway. It's not your problem, it's his. He was man enough to lie down with her, so he better be man enough to figure out what to do. I would say the only people who are true victims here is the child who is being born to immature people and maybe you. You never said your age, but I think that a mature man would have thought this over before rushing into marriage. I had a similiar situation minus the pregnancy and I would advise you just to forget him and move on with your life. You are young and don't need this now (or ever). If you keep on hoping and waiting for him you'll probably most likely end up hurt and disappointed like I was. I understand the pain you must be feeling and I don't know your details, but the best thing I ever did was to break ties with my ex. If it is going to work, the ball's in his court now and it seems like he made his decision and now he realizes he fucked up. You can do better than this.

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joyzers says on May 18, 2005, 19:48:

I'm sure the first impression of a person reading this story is that I have some ideas of hanging on to him. That's not the case. I have moved on with my life, completely. I guess until now he has never given me a reason to cut him off. We have just maintained in contact, not to an unhealthy point though. I have had a very serious relationship since him and was able to completely overcome any romantic feelings for him. However, sometimes you don't cut off a person because they mean something to you in your life and you realize that there are very few people you can trust and who actually know you that well. Well, we both realized a long time ago that we will never be together again and that we still care about each other regardless. So, I'm mainly concerned about this because I think that he is making some serious mistakes, due to being in total shock or complete denial thinking everything will be OK. He is extremely mature is 33 yrs. old, a professional, and very grounded. This is totally out of character for him. You are right though, this is his problem- not mine. If it was mine, I would have handled it completely different. Remember, it takes two people to get pregnant, not one, and if two people are having sex than there is the possibility of it. I do agree that it is very irresponsible of him and of her. All I can think to say is, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I guess the answer would have to be, he wasn't!!

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platano says on May 18, 2005, 19:54:

The topic is how do Colombians deal with pregnancy... I have helped women in Colombia get abortions. (Friends who got pregnant with someone else, not me. I had a vasectomy at age 19 to avoid any little platanitos) Doesn't apply to this case because she wanted to keep the baby. But if things had been different, and she didn't want to go through with the pregnancy, abortion is an option in Colombia and it is a right guaranteed by the Colombian Constitution of 1991 ... there are doctors who do it. I know from personal experience.

Plátano, el banano verde
Oxigeno Verde ¡Libertad por Ingrid y los demás!

plátano

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joyzers says on May 18, 2005, 20:16:

Yeah, I know! I totally screwed up the topic (going too fast)and when I noticed it was too late to to back and edit it. Trust me, I tried. My anal retentive side is screaming out, "it's not right!" But, I will have to try to restrain my anal retentiveness just this time, even though it's hard. I agree with you as well, Platano. However, I guess this is not an option that she has considered, I know that this is probably what he wanted, however.

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platano says on May 18, 2005, 20:35:

Joyzers, sorry at first I labelled my post as "off-topic"... Then when I went back and looked, lo and behold, I was on-topic, so I changed my header but now it looks like I was "regañando" which was not my intention, and my anal retentiveness is screaming because I can't go back and change my post subject line either. What a mess! Two anal retentives suffering so! But, really, I didn't mean it as a call back to the topic in reference to earlier posts, it was a correction to relabel my own post independent of the previous posts. Getting off topic is OK here, it's a PBH sport.

To continue the thread. He has made a decision and should consciously decide to "love the one he's with" and he says she is "a good woman" and no doubt she is. You are in a tough spot being a loyal friend to someone who has screwed up royally.

Plátano, el banano verde
Oxigeno Verde ¡Libertad por Ingrid y los demás!

plátano

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joyzers says on May 18, 2005, 20:51:

Good point. You know sometimes these things kind of do come to your mind. I have kind of thought, wait a minute... of course you're unhappy. You didn't plan it this way, and you weren't ready to be tied down. I am in total shock that he is married and about swallowed my tongue when he said, "mi esposa", I just never thought the day would come when a woman would tie him down. I wasn't going to try, either, to be that woman. So, there is one side of me that thinks, you had to have been thinking something when you repeated the vows in front of the judge, right? You need to learn to find all of the good things about her that made you at least want to date her and sleep with her and make this marriage work- try to love her. Then, there's that other side of me (the female) that says that I wouldn't want someone making himself love me. How terrible! I just feel his pain, because I know that he wants to fix what he has royally screwed up (getting her pregnant), but sometimes I believe that people screw up things even worse trying to fix them. I'm sorry that I'm going on and on about this, but as I read in another post, it's much easier to vent and get anonymous advice from this post (especially since you can't share certain info. with people you know). I guess I'm just the kind of person that is extremely loyal and if someone I care about is hurting, then I hurt too. He doesn't expect me to deal with his problem, he is just venting the same to me as I am on this post, beause he knows that I care enough to listen. But, in the end, that always bites me. I am always more concerned about other's problems than I am about my own. That is a major fault of mine.

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Mr. Hollywood says on May 19, 2005, 07:13:

Point-Counterpoint I'm sure the first impression of a person reading this story is that I have some ideas of hanging on to him.

Actually, my first impression is that HE has some ideas of hanging on to you. He's the one in a miserable situation. He knows you are sympathetic. Honestly, the way I've seen Colombian men deal with situations like this is denial that the marriage is a mistake and, instead, having lots of affairs on the side until the woman dumps him (or doesn't dump him.) Maybe he sees you as a possible outlet for his sexual and emotional frustation?

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elmodefoque says on May 19, 2005, 08:23:

Having a baby. Man, I rather place my nuts on top of a very solid table, have a big strong construction worker smash them with a 5 pound sledge hammer, before I have any more kids. Not to brag but I make beautiful kids, some say that’s the only thing I’m good at.

I'll get there, when I get there!

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cali373 says on May 19, 2005, 08:50:

That's a very strong Analogy! I have to admit I lost it laughing out loud in my office.

My advise is the poster of the topic is they are a lot of men in Colombia and the US, try to find another one.

Smile if you are a thinker!

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joyzers says on May 19, 2005, 09:00:

OUCH!! I guess that just about summed up what you feel about this ever happening to you, Elmo. You better watch out, you do say that you have a young wife. Things happen, you know!? However, if you tried the sledgehammer approach first, I'm sure you could be absolutely guaranteed (or your money back) that you would never have to worry about your wife having an un-wanted pregnancy, would you? It would be a new way of birth control- prevention.

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dwmte says on May 19, 2005, 17:21:

quite frankly... the fellow needs to grow the hell up. be a husband and a father and stop crying about his 'mistakes'.

he has made his bed and the very best he can do is find honor in his predicament. devote himself to what he has created. give respect to his wife and their child. even himself...self respect by doing what life, family, church, society, all expect of him...that being to live up to his responsibilities.

he's 33 now. he can't cry 'wolf' anymore. he knew exactly what he was doing and is doing. it's just time to stand up, be responsible and accept what he has created in his life and continue to create it through it's completion....the life and growth of the child, and their marriage.

tell him that and if he has a grain of heart/wisdom, he will act upon love as a verb and stop the fantasy that love is a noun.

wish them both luck and council them to rightness not 'poor me or poor him' or what ever. the time for that bull shit is passed. he's in the real world with a real family...act like it.

dw

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joyzers says on May 19, 2005, 17:44:

Thanks! It's very good to hear an outside opinion on this. After the shock has now subsided I have been thinking more and more on this same mindset. He did this. He knew what he was doing, and now he needs to deal with what he has done and with what he is continuing to do. I was lying in bed last night thinking, you know right now they are in bed together as man and wife and nobody has made him sleep in that bed- he is there willingly. I am so glad that even in my utter shock of too much info. all at once that I never gave him any advice (especially you poor thing advice). I told him that I needed to think about how to respond after I thought about it for awhile. The advice given on this post is what my gut has been telling me, in and out of the confusion that is. I like the satement that love is a verb, not a noun. He needs to be more than just a father to be, but needs to totally look at his expecting wife with rose-colored glasses. I do believe that the problem is that he was trying to be so unbelievably calm about the whole thing for the first month that he refused to allow himself to digest what was happening, and then WHAM- all of a sudden it hit him. The first month he was even pretending that he was thrilled about everything. I thought, "Wow!" maybe everything will work out just fine. However, so much change in so little time will make you lose your balance. I think that after the "deer in the headlights" feeling goes away that he will be just fine and will not come to me freaking out anymore. I never tell him what he wants to hear, only what he needs to hear (as he does in return). It hurts the other at the time, but we are both always grateful for it later (that's what friends are for). Anyways, I will definitely remind him that he did this and he needs to put a positive spin on it. I just hope that he doesn't do what Mr. Hollywood said, which is what I totally thought of, that is having known enough Colombian men (no offense meant), which is that he will be in the marriage for the child and do whatever he wants on the side. However, that's where I go back to- this isn't happening to me, it's happening to him and her and THEY will have to deal with that within their marriage, not my problem. If he continues to "need" me I will step back. Until recently (with this situation)that has not been the case though. So, we'll see if it continues or if things will soon go back to normal. I'll have to make that judgment call as time goes on. Thank you so much for the great opinions, I actually feel better about my role in all of this. drama.

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miamimike says on May 20, 2005, 11:06:

A Firend of mine Aborted her Baby because her Husband mistreated their first and only son. They were married for well over 22 years when she aborted their second son.She told me the Father was a miserable Father and sadly, the First son, who was 15 years old, was killed on the streets in Bogota from a gunshot wound.She told me she she told Him(her husband) that she could not bring another Son into the world for him to Mistreat like he did with their first son. No one knows ALL the particulars(if they do, no one ever talked). The husband had some emergency money stashed in the House and she knew where the stash was, so when she found out she was pregnant she scooped up a few hundred dollars and headed to the Abortion Doc and she aborted.She told me she told the Husband what she had done and he accepted it; accepted it in that he did not toss her out and Divorce her immediately. I would have thought that is the very least of what would have happened in Colombia if not much worse.I have heard of some strange tales in Colombia(bogota) but this is by far one of the most unusual in the anals of weird Colombian marriges.

Avatar Legend: Bush "If any of you Reporters are wondering, it was a Size 10"

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quindioman says on May 20, 2005, 11:17:

sorry... ....but i seem to be one of the few that would not reccomend an abortion except in a very extreme and exceptional circumstance (ie the woman got raped) other than that i believe you're killing a life....
I am a bastard (or more affectionally known as a love child) my mother got very personal with a married man and i was the result....i'm fucking relieved my mother never aborted me....and i don't but that BS about bringing a life into poverty (next time use a condom and a pill)

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Desideria (Moderator) (Trustee board) says on May 20, 2005, 11:54:

a different story about Colombianas and pregnancies would be the daughter of the maid who worked all her adult life in my in-law's house. This girl was born in a strata 5 house, brought up almost like a daughter of the family, got an intermediate commercial type education and worked as a secretary for many years. A pretty, personable Cauca Indigenious woman, with long black hair she didn't lack pretendientes. However, she never married, because the men that would have married the daughter of a maid were poor an uneducated and she would not live a life in the tugurios or unsafe parts of the city having a protected life as a single and a salary of her own.

Time goes by and this girl gets older and is approaching her 40th birthday, unmarried, childless an only an aging mother as her only relative. She was longing for a baby of her own and asked a good friend to become a father of her child. No strings, no ties, no compromise of any kind, just to father her baby. She went ahead with her plan, has a lovely daughter of about 6 years old now, the father visits and is part of the daughter's life, and the grandparents are delighted with the little girl, dote on her and are very much part of her family now. I was the first one to congratulate her on her courageous decision, knowing well that she was heavily critiziced by my in-laws and even her own mother at the time.

I just thought that this story also deserved to be told.

Cheers,
Desi

"When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?"(First Witch in Macbeth)

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utopiacowboy says on May 20, 2005, 12:08:

It's a story with a happy ending but between the lines it says a lot.

Disclaimer: any comment I make is inane and is not to be taken seriously, and is so patently ridiculous that no one should take it seriously, even as an insult.

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adrimm (☼Travelguide writer) says on May 20, 2005, 12:12:

Desideria (Moderator) (Trustee board) says on May 20, 2005, 13:24:

utopia, yes, of course, there's much more to the story but I just told the good part of it. Between the lines you can read about the struggle of a woman born in a strict class society with few choices for advancement and lots of prejudice limiting her ability to make any choices for herself. I'm sure there are hundreds and thousands of Colombianas like her facing the same dilemma: not finding a husband that could take care of her and provide for her she took the decision to take charge of her own life herself, against the odds and being repudiated by the very people who had raised her up. She was not kicked out of the house, however, my in-laws never accepted her choice but having a big heart they understood her yearning for a family of her own.
Cheers,
Desi

"When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?"(First Witch in Macbeth)

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utopiacowboy says on May 20, 2005, 14:18:

Yes, those were exactly my thoughts when I was reading about her story.

Disclaimer: any comment I make is inane and is not to be taken seriously, and is so patently ridiculous that no one should take it seriously, even as an insult.

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dwmte says on May 20, 2005, 15:34:

maarit.... you know, you really are a dear...

douglas

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