funny

morphus says on Feb 25, 2008, 11:25:

Thank you

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yummyj says on Feb 25, 2008, 17:57:

I wouldn't call Americans putzes. Ton of other words that would be deleted, but not putz.

That reminds me of a theory of mine that others could help me with.

Who is more stupid?

The guy that knows he is not intelligent and lives his life knowing this...

Or the guy that thinks he comes from the most intelligent country in the world and thinks he is intelligent, but in fact, he is not intelligent, and lives his life thinking that he is?

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wendell13 says on Feb 25, 2008, 18:21:

it is like penis envy around here

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podborski says on Feb 26, 2008, 03:40:

I dunno yummi, which one are you?

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morphus says on Feb 26, 2008, 04:52:

Ha Ha...what a freak :)

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morphus says on Feb 26, 2008, 05:02:

It is off-topic is'nt it :)

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robi666 says on Feb 26, 2008, 05:06:

Frankly, the first really intelligent post I read on PBH. Thanks builder.
Now, if you please want to write something about RAAAY...

"I am a citizen of the most beautiful nation on earth. A nation whose laws are harsh yet simple, a nation that never cheats, which is immense and without borders, where life is lived in the present."

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robi666 says on Feb 26, 2008, 05:08:

:-)
I am sure that Morphus does not care, Mario. I wouldn't.

"I am a citizen of the most beautiful nation on earth. A nation whose laws are harsh yet simple, a nation that never cheats, which is immense and without borders, where life is lived in the present."

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morphus says on Feb 26, 2008, 05:13:

Its all good! When GIB runs into them in Colombia, he's going to give them a kick in the ass :)

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morphus says on Feb 26, 2008, 06:12:

This one?

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Alma del Norte says on Feb 26, 2008, 06:20:

Nothing like Taliban, more like Kenyan - doh!

La vida es una rutina

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morphus says on Feb 26, 2008, 06:23:

Taliban have long beards

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Alma del Norte says on Feb 26, 2008, 06:26:

Er, a head dress...like lottsa folk wear all round the world. If you were half Kenyan, do you think you should be excused wearing your national dress?

La vida es una rutina

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Alma del Norte says on Feb 26, 2008, 06:28:

"Taliban have long beards" lol

and live in Aghanistan, or close to...

La vida es una rutina

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Alma del Norte says on Feb 26, 2008, 06:31:

Sorry... Somali.

La vida es una rutina

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 09:21:

Q. What do you call a Taliban with a goat and a sheep?
A. Bisexual.

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 09:27:

Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 09:35:

Q. What do you call a Taliban who owns six goats?

A. A pimp.

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 09:44:

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: because the camels can't handle it

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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Monpirri says on Feb 26, 2008, 09:45:

I do not see anything related to Colombia here, where are the moderators again?

Annette Taddeo for US Congress 2008

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ColombianoGringo says on Feb 26, 2008, 10:28:

I am not wild about Obama either, but the comment about the photo is a cheap shot at best.

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 11:00:

New Terrorist Group !!!

Al Quesadilla -- fighting for Latino cheese appetizers

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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ColombianoGringo says on Feb 26, 2008, 11:03:

I wonder how often the NSA email sniffers have picked up on messages with the Spanish words "al" and "queda" in them.

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 11:07:

Quote: I do not see anything related to Colombia here, where are the moderators again?

'Osama' Turns Crimefighter In Colombia.

http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30200-1303350,00.html

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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msaucey says on Feb 26, 2008, 11:13:

So, this is what happens when the boys play alone... Always a fight brewing....

The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. - CS Lewis

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 11:34:

Osama goes to his doctor because he's been having problems remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says, "Unfortunately, I have bad news, and I have very bad news."

"What's the very bad news?" Osama asks.

"Well," says the doctor, "our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live."

"Oh, my God!" says the man. "Well, what's the bad news?"

"Our tests indicate that you also have Alzheimer's disease," says the doc.

Osama says: "Well, I can always look on the bright side. At least I don't have cancer!

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 11:48:

Quote: You clearly have a problem with Obama, Mario. Why not address his policies instead of going the bullshit route and implying he's Taliban?

Never considered the connection.

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 11:56:

The Liverpool Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4 - 0 down to Man United with only 20 minutes left. The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted. The players and the coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mother to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4 - 0 down but I scored 5, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful, says his mother. "Let me tell you about my day."

Your father got shot in the street and was robbed. Your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time!".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry?" says his mother, "It's all your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 12:02:

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon."

Not bad eh!

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 12:13:

From: NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARK FARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT

To: Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.

I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year.

As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.

Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Nigel Johnson-Hill

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 12:21:

A life saving lesson:

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a coin. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants: takes the boys testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then firmly.

After a few minutes the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "Are you a doctor"?

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce Attorney".

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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huskie says on Feb 26, 2008, 14:17:

"New Terrorist Group !!!"

"Al Quesadilla -- fighting for Latino cheese appetizers"

Poco:

Cheers

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds-"

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 14:31:

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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kat1 (Moderator) says on Feb 26, 2008, 14:36:

what is all this thread about?

engage brain before opening mouth

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huskie says on Feb 26, 2008, 14:45:

British humour Kat1

Cheers

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds-"

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 14:52:

Sorry, can't post a picture but your imagination should allow one to visualize this extract from the latest Mills and Boon novel.

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long settling sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, "Baaaaaaaaaaa" and rejoined the flock.

THIS BOOK IS ONLY FOR SALE IN NEW ZEALAND, WALES AND CERTAIN PARTS OF DERBYSHIRE.

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 15:03:

Modern History exam

Please take the following multiple choice test. (The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened! Do you remember?)

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred
by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:

a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:

a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Kylie Minogue
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair

by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones & The Monkees
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:

a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:

a. Meatloaf
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

a. Tarzan
b. Hillary Clinton
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


10. On 11 September 2001 four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:

a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:

a. Lawrence of Arabia
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:

a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Ned Kelly
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


13. In 2002 the Sari Nightclub in Kuta Beach, Bali, was blown up killing 189 young mainly Australian tourists by:

a . The "Bundy" Polar Bear
b. Ho Chi Minh
c. Paul Keating
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

14. In July 2004, three London Underground trains and one London Bus were suicide bombed by:

a. The Spice girls
b. The Beatles
c. The Four Tops
d. 4 'British' Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


Nope, .........I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure democratic western Christian civilisation never offends anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us - airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile (or target)certain people. They must only conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, people in wheelchairs, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the U.S.President's security detail, 85-year old World War II veterans with metal hips, and Boy Scout groups. They must never "target" a turban wearing 17 to 40 year old male who appears to have a suspicious package tied around his body. This would be unjustified discrimination!

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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ColombianoGringo says on Feb 26, 2008, 15:07:

Funny. Earlier this month, I was passing through security at MIA and noticed a Sikh man getting the full search. You'd think the screeners would get better at telling their brown people apart. Sikhs are not muslim or arab.

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 15:07:

At last.... A REAL Man's Chain Letter!

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below.

----------------------
Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017


W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. J. Clinton

780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William J Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Willem Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York , NY 10017

Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York , NY 10017

Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 1001

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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huskie says on Feb 26, 2008, 15:10:

http://www.cartoonstock.com/thumbnail/dre0876t.jpg
Is this the picture and novel you are talking about ?
Cheers

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds-"

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podborski says on Feb 26, 2008, 15:39:

jaja the liverpool one was very good poco!

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 17:14:

SAD NEWS:

Federal Court Ruling from the Melbourne Age, Australia (AP) -

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday. When he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially
awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and
regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with
her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder
of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English
Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating
anyone."

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 18:09:

Classified ads

Below is a posting from Craig's List from a girl who is trying to find herself a husband, and then a guy actually responded.

The Original Post

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.

I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810


THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500 K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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podborski says on Feb 26, 2008, 18:22:

that is damn funny too poco, wish I'd be able to remember that one

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huskie says on Feb 26, 2008, 18:35:

Baaaa!!!!
Way toooo funny HAAHAHA
Cheers

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds-"

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 18:43:

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and......

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

9 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

I am proud to be British!!

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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huskie says on Feb 26, 2008, 19:07:

Cheers

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds-"

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CatGirl says on Feb 26, 2008, 19:18:

Poco: You are a funny one!....those bumping bananas are quite a sight too..jaja

Love and Time: the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent

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MaFe says on Feb 26, 2008, 20:21:

Poco you are too funny!!

"All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. "-Aristotle

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 21:18:

Quote: Every single one of the "only in Britain" items apply just as well to the U.S. 100%.

I know,, that's what makes it kind of funny. I received them from a Brit working in the middle east.

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 21:21:

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.

About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.'

"Is that whenYou jumped?" asked his father.

"Uh., no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and threw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked his father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.

He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Are you gonna jump or not?" I said, "No sir, I'm too scared." So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, "Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass."

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first"

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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el torcido says on Feb 26, 2008, 21:56:

I don't think those three guys up above are Taliban. I think it's ZZTop in disguise.

don't know much about 'conomy

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poco says on Feb 26, 2008, 22:20:

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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scotty says on Feb 27, 2008, 02:08:

Barrack Hussain Mohammond Bin ladin Talabin Obama, president of the USA.

Get Rhythm, when you got the blues. Johnny Cash

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huskie says on Feb 27, 2008, 05:13:

Beautiful Models | View | Upload your own...
Cheers

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds-"

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poco says on Feb 27, 2008, 12:20:

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

"Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent" - Isaac Asimov

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MaFe says on Feb 27, 2008, 14:45:

Poco..ja ja ja ...that was very funny!

"All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. "-Aristotle

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huskie says on Feb 28, 2008, 04:49:

cheers

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds-"

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